How Far I've Come

Sorry for the lack of posts recently! Getting back into school since Thanksgiving Break has been a complete whirlwind of tests, papers and projects. I cannot believe that the semester is almost over! It has flown by.

Saturday made me a nine month cancer survivor. It is really unbelievable to think. I can’t help but think that this time last year I had no idea I was sick.  I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss. It is crazy. It’s almost like I cannot remember what my life was like before I knew I had cancer. Everything has changed so much.

In nine months, I have come so far. The two months after my surgery were brutal. I really look back on that time and cringe. Everyday was a dark battle, a choice to keep pushing forward, a fight against despair. I hardly kept a meal down for two months. Right after my surgery, it was a struggle for me to sit up in bed for ten minutes at a time. And walking even a few steps would completely drain all my energy, and usually result in me getting sick. I was going to the hospital nonstop, and having to constantly see doctors, or try new medicines. And I was usually in extreme pain from either the surgery or from side effects of the radiation. If I left the house, I usually had to be pushed in my wheelchair, because walking was too draining. One night in the middle of it all, I was talking to my dad and said, “I can’t remember what it feels like to not feel sick.” That was the lowest I’ve ever been. The memories still terrify me.

At that time in life, I would have never dared to dream that I would be back at Furman this fall, much less that I would be well enough to complete a whole semester on my own. Honestly, I am shaking right now as I write this, just thinking about it all. God is truly good.

I am getting ready to start my third round of chemo treatment. Although there are not tumors still present in my body, the doctors believe that there are still cancerous cells, so it is necessary to stay on the medicine to slow down any spread. I am not excited for it, but at least I know that it is helping, which gives me the encouragement to continue. And I will be on a reduced dose again, so hopefully my body will tolerate it better.

Thanks again for all the prayers and support. I really don’t think I can ever repeat this enough. It means the world to me.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He sent out His word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave." -Psalm 107:19-20 

Oh happy day!

My doctor called with news from my scans Wednesday and said that it is “the best news”. None of the doctors expected such great news, but there has been no spread in the cancer! And on top of that, any remnants of the tumors in my body have disappeared! My back is completely stabilized, after only three infusions of the bone-strengthening medicine. In August, when I asked my spine surgeon about my back, he was worried that I would need major back surgery, or that my spine could collapse at any moment. He estimated that I would need the infusions for years, but after only three months, I am back to normal! They were also worried about some enlarged lymph nodes back in August, but they are completely back to normal size. My oncologist literally said that the news was so great that I should go buy a new car to celebrate (which, of course, I am not going to do, but that is to give a picture of how great this is).

Praise the Lord! He has brought “the best news” this Thanksgiving break! It is encouraging to know that the months of sickness because of the chemo have been worth it. And to get the reminder that the Lord is working in the darkest of circumstances. I think that this is the first time in the past nine months that I have received good news from the doctors… Praise the Lord!

It has taken me a while to process it, to be honest. The past two days of waiting have been hard, and the more I waited, the more I thought it could be bad. Wednesday entailed six hours in the radiology wing of the hospital, with four scans, six shots and one doctor's appointment. It was rough, but all completely worth it to be able to sigh with relief at this amazing news.

Thanks for the unceasing prayers! The Lord is listening! Your continued prayers would be such a blessing. Because even though I am not completely healed, this is proof that He can make this all go away. Doctors have said that there is no cure, but they don't account for Him. The Lord has shown that he can work miracles. And I believe that He will! 

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: who forgives your iniquities and heals all your diseases…” –Psalm 103:2

Scans.

Yesterday, I was hit with the realization that my big scans are in less than a week.  I think that subconsciously I have been keeping myself busy, so I don't have to think about it. But as I started to slow down, anxiety snuck up behind me.
My scans are on Wednesday, and it will be the first time that I have gotten scans since the beginning of August when I was at NIH. It is scary because over the summer, when I was home, I was getting scans practically every two weeks. So I was constantly being reassured that everything was okay and nothing was progressing. But now I haven't heard in three months. And while I am sure that everything will be fine, it is still scary. These will tell if the chemo has worked, and been worthwhile. It will tell what my next step in the process should be. And it will give me a picture of overall, how fast the cancer is moving.
It is hard, because (apart from a miracle) one day I will go in for a scan and they will tell me it has spread. It is not gone forever.
I really believe that the Lord is going to do great things. And I just have to remind myself of that when I get afraid. I have so much respect for cancer patients who fight for so many years. It has been less than nine months for me, and yet it feels like a lifetime. It is so hard sometimes.
So Wednesday will mean an MRI and two CT scans. I am really used to both now, but CT scans are especially tough for me. The three scans will get a picture of my whole body, and if there is anything new, it will show up. And then it will all be over by Thanksgiving Day, and there is so much to be thankful for!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might." -Ephesians 6:10

My Playlist

My mind recently has been incredibly jumbled. I feel like my thoughts have been all over the place, one moment sad and then the next overjoyed. One moment completely exhausted, and the next filled with energy. I am usually not like this, and so I don't entirely know how to process it right now. So rather than writing about how I am feeling at this moment (since it is likely to change by the time the post is finished), I thought instead I would mix it up.

"Music is what feeling sounds like." So since I cannot sort out my feelings at the moment, I will give you the music that has been speaking to my soul.

1.     You Are My Hope by Cory Asbury

2.     In You by MercyMe

3.     Madly in Love With You by Sean McConnell

4.     Light Up the Sky by The Afters

5.     How Great Thou Art by Carrie Underwood

6.     Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe

7.     Something to Hope For by The Undeserving

8.     While I’m Waiting by John Waller

9.     Long Live by Taylor Swift (not a Christian song, but I had to include it because I’ve been playing it on repeat since the CD came out)

10. Cry to Jesus by Third Day

11. More by Matthew West

12. How He Loves by Eddie Kirkland (my all time favorite song ever)

13. Take My Hand by Shawn McDonald

14. Strong Enough to Save by Tenth Avenue North

15. Oh My Dear by Tenth Avenue North

16. Just So You Know by Sleeperstar

17. Psalm 62 by Shane and Shane

18. The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

19. What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road

20. Our God by Chris Tomlin

Psalm 91 (The Message)

You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow, 
   Say this: "God, you're my refuge. 
      I trust in you and I'm safe!" 
   That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps, 
      shields you from deadly hazards. 
   His huge outstretched arms protect you— 
      under them you're perfectly safe; 
      his arms fend off all harm. 
   Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night, 
      not flying arrows in the day, 
   Not disease that prowls through the darkness, 
      not disaster that erupts at high noon. 
   Even though others succumb all around, 
      drop like flies right and left, 
      no harm will even graze you. 
   You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance, 
      watch the wicked turn into corpses. 
   Yes, because God's your refuge, 
      the High God your very own home, 
   Evil can't get close to you, 
      harm can't get through the door. 
   He ordered his angels 
      to guard you wherever you go. 
   If you stumble, they'll catch you; 
      their job is to keep you from falling. 
   You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes, 
      and kick young lions and serpents from the path. 

  "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, 
      "I'll get you out of any trouble. 
   I'll give you the best of care 
      if you'll only get to know and trust me. 
   Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; 
      I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. 
   I'll give you a long life, 
      give you a long drink of salvation!"

Times Flies

Wow this semester has been flying by! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. Everything has been so busy. Last week I had my third bone-strengthening infusion, which (praise the Lord) went seamlessly. I did not have the awful side effects I had had the first two times. The medicine only made my back sore, as opposed to the fever, nausea and intense pain of the first two times. So, that was a major blessing. My mom came in town this weekend, and we had a great girls’ weekend just hanging out together.

Other than one intense migraine Friday, I have been feeling so much better this past week. It has been such a blessing. For a few days now, I have truly felt awake and alive more than ever this year. I am still tired, but so much better than normal, which is incredible! The toxins from the medicine are leaving my body, and I can feel my white blood count going back to regular levels. I love feeling normal.

And there are so many things on the horizon for me to look forward to! Harry Potter comes out this weekend, and I am so excited about it that I could bust. I have no doubt it will be amazing! Next weekend, Needtobreathe is coming to Furman, and I am hoping to go to that with some of my friends. And then Thanksgiving Break followed by a month-long Christmas Break! I am so excited. Good times are ahead! J

"Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." -Hebrews 12:1-2

"Chemobrain"

I have been so frustrated with myself recently. This past week I have seen very clearly how my abilities have changed so much as a result of the cancer and the chemo. I get so tired now, without doing anything. I have to lie down every day, and can’t stay as busy as I have in the past. This is forcing me to slow down so much, which I guess is a good thing, but sometimes it feels like I am slacking, with everyone around me going 100 mph. It is a hard time of life to be forcing myself to slow down. And because it is such an enormous change from my pre-cancer pace, it is so hard not to get frustrated.

And this week I have been getting extremely frustrated because of a side effect of my chemo, which I learned yesterday, is called “chemobrain”. Apparently, it is giving me some form of short-term memory loss. This has resulted in me losing everything (I lost my cell phone for an hour and it was in my purse), forgetting everything, and truly not being capable of memorizing material for tests. Not good in college. I had a test on Tuesday that I had studied for for days, and I was getting so angry with myself, because no matter how much I studied, I truly could not retain any of the material. This is so hard for me because I am not used to this. Normally, I hardly ever lost things, and if I studied, I was capable of remembering material at least long enough to take the test. Not anymore. And it is driving me crazy.

It is a challenge for me to be okay with these new limitations, when I saw how I was able to live before. It is hard for me to be patient with myself.

These past two or three weeks have been tough for me. Even though I have been off the chemo for two weeks now, the toxins seem to have stayed in my body, leaving me completely fatigued all the time. No matter how much I sleep, I can never seem to wake up. My energy has just been drained from me completely. It has made it hard to function each day.

I went back to the doctor yesterday, and she gave me some good news though! I was supposed to start my third chemo cycle tomorrow, but because my blood counts are still very low, and because I have been feeling so sick, she told me that I should wait until after Thanksgiving to start the third cycle. Which gives me almost four more weeks medicine free! That is such a relief to me, and will give me time for my body to heal from the medicine.

Thanks for all the continuing prayers and support!
Also, today is officially 8 months since I was diagnosed! I am an 8 month cancer survivor. Wow. 

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” –Psalm 37:7