Many Comparisons (and France!)

It has been forever since I last blogged. So right now, as I sit in the Infusion Room at Cancer Center of the Carolinas to get my back medicine, I thought it would be a good time. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about comparisons, and how different people treat me.

When I was home a few weeks ago for Chris’s graduation from Collegiate (yay Chris!), I was thinking a lot about the differences between Richmond and Greenville. Richmond is always extremely aware of my cancer. Whenever I am home, people are always coming up to me, asking how I’m feeling, and telling me that they’ve been praying for me. I think that it is because I was in Richmond when I was at my worst. People there saw me when I was emaciated and getting pushed around in a wheelchair. They saw how bad I was last summer, and seem relieved when they see me looking healthy.

Most people in Greenville never saw that. When they heard that I was sick, I was already home, and then they did not see me until I was much better when I returned in the fall. And when I came back to Furman, I wanted so desperately to be normal that I was able to put on a happy face even when I felt completely miserable. So, I think that when I returned to Furman, a lot of people there assumed I was totally fine. Both places have been a wonderful support for me, but it is always interesting for me to see how they respond in different ways. Sometimes both environments can be hard, but most of the time they are both just what I need.

Another comparison that I have noticed so clearly has to do with age. Adults don’t ever seem to fear asking me how I am doing, or mentioning my cancer. They aren’t afraid of discussing hard topics, and genuinely want to know how I am doing. College kids aren’t like that, for the most part.  (I realize this is a generalization, so if you are a college student who isn’t like this, don’t worry!) Outside of my closest friends, people don’t ask questions about my cancer. I think they fear that they will make me upset, or that I will just burst into tears if you mention it. Or they fear that they are reminding me of something that I have forgotten. Both are not the case. In fact, I am always touched when people ask me how I am doing, or try to understand my cancer better, because it shows that they care.

I think that adults have grown more used to dealing with hard situations. Or they have had hard situations of their own, and better know how to react. College students haven’t seen enough issues like this to know how to react, and I think that they often choose the safe road by not reacting. Or they just don’t know what to say. Which is fine, because I realize that I would probably do exactly the same thing if I were on the other side. Sometimes it can be really hard though.

On a completely different note, I leave for France in a week!! While I am there, I am hoping to be able to at least post some pictures on the blog, to show my travels. At first, when I was thinking about it, I wasn’t sure if that was odd, to post about my trip on a blog where I primarily talk about sickness. But then I realized that the title of my blog is “the shadow proves the sunshine”. And this is a direct example of the sunshine in my life. I am going to France. And I have no doubt that the trip will be so much more incredible because of all the hard times I’ve had. So, over the next month, hopefully I can post pictures, and tell everyone how amazing France is!

Thanks for all the prayers!  And thank you for sharing in my excitement about my trip! I can’t wait to be there, and start the adventures! 

"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen you, and protect you from the evil one... May the Lord continue to direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." -2 Thessalonians 3:3,5

More Music

I wanted to post two more songs that I touched me recently. I know I talked about this before, but music always has the ability to speak to me in a way that ordinary words cannot. Hopefully these songs will do the same for you!

This first song is one that I heard soon after getting diagnosed, and I clearly remember hearing it for the first time and simply bursting into tears. The lyrics are amazing, and it spoke directly to my heart. And then in May 2010, I had a healing and prayer service at Hope Church. It was incredibly powerful, and I got to have so many people who I love so dearly surround me and pray specifically for my healing. It was one of the most powerful events I have ever been apart of, and was so touching to see friends and family gather together in prayer for me. It gives me chills just to remember it.

[And He'll break open the skies to save those who cry out His name. The One the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you.]

And this other song is one I heard for the first time only a few months ago. But it moved me just as deeply. We sang it in church at Newspring, and the words are so powerful. I could not get it out of my head for days. And since then it has had this wonderful trend of popping up on my iTunes just when I really need to hear it. 

[I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will.]

No Escape

Sorry for the lack of posts this month! Summer so far has been wonderful, but incredibly busy. And the house that I am living in does not have any internet, so posting has become a bit more difficult. But so far the summer has been filled with so many fantastic things. My friends from Richmond came to visit this weekend, which was perfect. And I have been able to have great times with friends and fun adventures already while I've been here. And hopefully there are many more to come! But I'm sorry for the lack of posts, and will try to continue to write whenever I have the chance (and internet).
Recently I have been feeling so tired of cancer. It is funny, because I no longer feel sick, but I am daily getting frustrated that it exists at all. Sometimes I feel like I can't escape it, and like it is impossible for me to forget about it, even when I so desperately want to. My friend's dad was diagnosed with terrible cancer this past week, and it broke my heart. I also heard about a girl my age in Richmond who has cancer, and about another Furman girl whose mom passed away from cancer this week. Every time I hear bad news related to cancer, it devastates me. I hurt for these people who I don't even know, simply because we have the bond of cancer. And I can imagine so much of what they are having to go through. I can picture the diagnosis and the tears, the doctors' offices and the shots and the scans. And it breaks my heart. I just get so angry that anyone has to experience it or deal with it.
I have also recently noticed that movies and tv shows love to incorporate cancer. If they ever want a character to die, it seems like they are always using cancer (or a car accident). Maybe that just means that I need to be more careful about the things that I watch, but sometimes I don't see it coming. Even shows as fun and innocent as Modern Family will mention it, or have an episode centered around it. Cancer is just hard to escape.
It is not all bad though. Cancer has given me a new level of empathy. I am able to reach out to those who are hurting from cancer, and give them encouragement. And it pushes me to pray for those people who are affected by it. Maybe this just means that the Lord is pushing me to do something with cancer in the future, and that there is a reason that I am continually feeling angry towards this disease. I'm not sure, but this has just been on my mind a lot recently, so I felt like I should write about it.
On a completely unrelated note, my flights to France are booked!! I will be there from July 2 to July 23. I have been working on planning the trip the past few weeks, and I am SO excited. It will be such a wonderful adventure, and I cannot wait!!

"For you, O God, have tested us; You have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water yet You have brought us out into a place of abundance." Psalm 66:10-12

And So Summer Begins...

Well, I got good news! The scans showed that there was no spread, and no change from the scans that I had in January. It was such a wonderful blessing to hear this, and now I feel like summer has officially begun. Part of me thought something was going to be wrong on these scans. It is odd, but once you get diagnosed with cancer, every little ache or pain is scary. Every time my back hurts, it could mean there is spread. Every time my chest hurts from anxiety, it could be a spread. Every time I get a headache, it could be a spread. Every little thing makes me paranoid. And since the doctors keep telling me that it could metastasize anytime now, I live in this constant fear of hearing the word "spread". So I was worried that these were not going to be good, but they were. Praise the Lord! He made it happen, and gave me the blessing of this wonderful summer ahead of me.
I was beyond excited when I heard. I almost cried when I saw my friends and got to tell them the fantastic news. Now I can start planning my trip to France! And I can finally relax. No more medicine for three months. It seems too good to be true. My heart felt like it could burst with happiness.
But then, once the news had set in, I became overwhelmingly tired. Emotionally tired. It is so hard living from scan to scan. I always have the threat of the next set of scans looming over me. I am always aware of cancer, or worried about a spread. And simply the thought of having to continue this cycle of scans for years makes me weary. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my life.
So yesterday was a roller coaster. It was filled with the joys of summer, and hope, and life, but also filled with a sense of inner exhaustion. But the overriding feeling was definitely excitement. Now my summer has started, and good times are ahead!

"I came so that they may have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever could have dreamed of." -John 10:10 (The Message)

Waiting

I had another set of scans today. They always stress me out, but these definitely did more than most. I have been off of my medicine since January, and so these scans are a really big deal. If there is no spread, then that is wonderful news. But if there is spread, then it would definitely change my summer plans, because I would have to go back on medicine, or worse. I hate feeling like I have to live from scan-to-scan. And now that I know what it feels like to be healthy, I am scared to lose that feeling, and scared to go back to feeling perpetually sick.
I also have the most wonderful summer ahead of me. I seriously do not think I could be more excited. For May and June, I will be staying in Greenville, and babysitting for a bunch of families with the most precious children. I'll be living in a really cute house with two of my friends, and a ton of other friends will be living here this summer. So I am hoping to use those months to get to do all of the fun things around Greenville that I don't have time to do during the year. I think it will be incredible.
And then in July, I am going to.... FRANCE! I have been waiting to blog about this because I wanted to be certain about it. But I am going to go with my mom for two and a half weeks, and travel all around the country. I don't even think I can find the words to show my excitement right now. I would have to type in all caps and with thousands of exclamation points to even show a fraction of it.
Needless to say, I honestly feel like I have the most exciting summer ever ahead of me. It almost doesn't seem real. I think that that is why I am extra nervous about these scans. Because I don't want anything to change these plans. I don't want any bad news. Sometimes it is scary to hope.
But I am choosing to hope nonetheless, and to move forward with confidence that everything will be okay. I should get results of the scans in the next few days. Pray that there is no spread, so that I can continue to stay off of medicine, and so that I can continue to gain strength and feel alive. But for now I am just waiting to hear results, and praying that nothing has changed so that I can start my wonderful summer free of fear or sadness.

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

"Here my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait expectantly." -Psalm 5:3-4

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield." -Psalm 33:20

LDOC

Today is my last day of classes, and I am amazed. I survived through a year of school with cancer. In the beginning, I remember that everyone thought I was crazy. Parents in Richmond would shake their heads with worry when I told them I was returning to Furman. When we met with my doctor before I left for school, he looked my parents right in the eyes and told them, “If she was my daughter, I would not let her go back to school.”

But I went anyway. Despite all the looks and discouragement, I went. And praise the Lord that I did. Because this year has been filled with blessings. There have been incredibly challenging moments. Nights of studying when I honestly didn’t think I could make it. Doctor’s appointments where I just wanted to go home. Tears of frustration. But through it all there has been joy. There have been moments where I have been so happy, I felt like my heart would burst. There have been moments when I forget I have cancer. And that has made all the difference.

“Let love be genuine…Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and be constant in prayer.” –Romans 12:9, 12

Easter Memories

Happy Easter! What an encouraging day. I spent the day at Hope Church and with my family, which was perfect. The weather was beautiful, and it was wonderful to be surrounded by so many people I love.

I also couldn’t help but think about where I was this time last year. I feel like I do this a lot now. Since it has been more than one year, I am constantly being reminded of where I was last year, what surgery I was having, or how sick I was.

Today I was constantly reminded of how far I’ve come.  Easter was early last year, and so I had only been out of the hospital a few weeks after surgery to remove my kidney. And I was in bad shape. I was incredibly sick and exhausted, unable to keep down a single meal or do any physical activity. I was still taking a ridiculous amount of painkillers, which were hardly helping, and were only making me more sick everyday. Last year I was unable to go to church at all because I was too weak and exhausted to leave my house. The whole family came over for lunch though. Right as I was about to walk downstairs to see them, I got really sick, but still brushed my teeth and went down to see them anyway, despite feeling miserable. I remember that I could barely sit for forty-five minutes in a chair, before I had to be taken back upstairs to lie down again. Little did I know that I still had some of the hardest days ahead of me, with the surgery to put in my port, two weeks of radiation and numerous heart-wrenching doctors appointments. Even on such a joyous holiday, it didn’t feel like there was much worth celebrating.

But praise the Lord this Easter was different, and provided a stark contrast to the sadness of last year. Today I felt happy and alive. And it was powerful for me to sit back and realize what this day truly signifies.

Because of Christ, when we die it is not the end. I have cancer. But no matter what happens, I can rest in confidence knowing that everything will be okay. Christ defeated death, so that we don’t have to die forever or be afraid, because the battle has been won! 

“No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me. From life’s first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand, til He returns, or calls me home, here in the love of Christ I’ll stand.”

So, when I become afraid or unsure, I can rest in faith and assurance that the Lord has already won. I will one day stand triumphant, with no more cancer, or sickness, or tears, and the world will be new and beautiful. And whether that day is soon or far in the future, I do not know. But in the midst of the chaos and pain, what I do know is that God is good, and God is victorious. Praise the Lord. 

“Death is swallowed up in victory. Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death where is your sting?” -1 Corinthians 15: 54-55