Little Blessings

This past week has been extremely hectic, and filled with both joyous and sad occasions. I will start with the sad, so I can end on a positive note. 

I went to the doctor last week, as I finished my second chemo cycle (yay!) to get blood work done. My doctor then told me that my WBC (white blood count) is extremely low, and by far the lowest it has ever been. WBC has a normal range from 4.5-11.0 (as in, 4,500 to 11,000). Previously, the lowest mine has ever been is at least 3.0. Last week, they reported that I had fallen down to 1.4. As a result of my low counts, I have been completely exhausted and lethargic, despite being done with the cycle. I feel like I have been unable to focus, and mentally exhausted too, making school difficult. I have had to only do minimal activities, and try to sleep a lot more. But hopefully my counts will be back to normal in the next few days, and I will start feeling well again. 

But this also means that when I start my third chemo cycle, my dose will be greatly reduced yet again. My body does not tolerate the medicine well enough for me to stay on these strong doses. I am praying that this makes it more livable, because these past two cycles have been an extreme struggle. 

But on a happier note- this weekend was Furman's homecoming weekend! I was nominated to be the junior representative on Homecoming Court, which was really special to me. My whole family came down from Richmond to cheer me on, and it was so fun to be with them! 

Dad escorting me! :)

My awesome apartment with me on the field!

Homecoming was so fun! My sorority built a float, and Friday night there was a huge carnival out on the mall. The next morning, I was so blessed to see tons of my friends who graduated last spring. I hadn't seen them since March, and getting to see so many people at once was incredible. Then at the game, I was with my family, and my dad escorted me onto the field at halftime for the homecoming ceremonies. It was so special. And that night I went to dinner with my family and then went to the homecoming dance. The whole day was fantastic, so even though I was exhausted and didn't feel great, I was able to push through and have an amazing time. 

So even though I am exhausted, and have been struggling the past few days, there have been many blessings each day to keep me going. God seems to be giving me little blessings each day, just to keep me going when the days are hard.

Fall. The weather outside is beautiful. I am convinced that fall is the most beautiful season at Furman. The leaves are changing to brilliant reds and oranges, and there is color everywhere you look. I am in awe of the beauty every morning when I leave my apartment.

Also, Taylor Swift's new album came out Monday. And while this might not seem like a big deal to most people, I have been looking forward to this for months. And I love the album. I have had it on repeat practically since Monday. Even when I am sad or tired, listening to great music seems to have a restoring effect on me, and automatically can brighten my day. 

And thanks to everyone for the constant stream of prayers and encouragement. Truly every prayer, email, letter, or kind word means so much to me. 

The Lord is doing good things, even in the midst of hard times. On bad days, I find myself trying to find some redeeming factor, whether it is music, the weather or a great conversation. And I am very grateful for those things, no matter how small they might be. 

"L'ange de l'Eternel campe autour de ceux qui le craignent, et il les arrache au danger." -Psaume 34:7

[The angel of the Lord camps around those who fear Him, and he protects them from danger.]

Don't Waste Your Cancer

Today has been a hard day for me. It is the last day of my second chemo cycle, so I feel like I should be overjoyed, but instead I have felt heavy-hearted. I'm not entirely sure why. I just feel sick and sad. But I am excited to be off the chemo for two weeks. And excited that my family is coming to Furman this weekend for Homecoming. There are great things to look forward to, but today has simply been tough.

I read this article today and loved it. I read it a couple months ago too, but it really resonated with me today. It is by John Piper, a famous pastor and Christian writer, who wrote this the day before he had major surgery for his prostate cancer. It is an incredibly powerful article, and I think that in some ways, it can apply to any sufferings, not just cancer.
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/resources/dont-waste-your-cancer

I also have been continuously reading this blog, which got its title from the John Piper article. It is the blog of a girl named Libby, who was diagnosed with cancer in August. She is twenty-six, and married with one little baby girl. Today she is getting a PET scan to show how her cancer has developed, and I am praying that she receives great news, and that the Lord has completely healed her of the burden of cancer. If you want to check out her blog, here is the link:
http://libbyryder.blogspot.com/

"Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead." -2 Corinthians 1:9

Home Sweet Home

Alex after his game! (Sorry Chris, I didn't get a picture with you.)

I just returned to Furman after a wonderful Fall Break at home. I was so blessed to be able to be in Richmond for five and a half days, and being home was such a gift. I got to spend time with my mom and dad, go to both of my brothers’ football games, see my grandparents, and go to Hope Church on Sunday morning. I loved getting to see people and getting to rest in my own, comfy bed.

I am on my last week of this chemo cycle, so it has hit me pretty hard.  I was sick most of the time I was at home, unfortunately. I realized that it is much easier to be sick at home, than it is at school. When I felt bad at home, I would just go lie down in my bed, and my parents would come watch TV with me. When I am sick at school, I have to push through, and still go to classes or tutoring, no matter how awful I feel. It is tough.

But despite being sick, the long weekend was amazing. I was overjoyed to see my fantastic brothers again, who I haven’t seen in two months. And it was great to spend some quality time with each of my parents. It was hard for me to go back to school this time. I really love being home.

My second chemo cycle ends this week! And I get to start my two week break from the medicine. I can't wait! I am praying that it will help me regain some strength and energy, and that I will begin to feel more like my normal self again. And for the next cycle, they are lowering the dose again to try to get it to a more livable level. The medicine is tough, and I am thrilled to be getting a break.

This is also Homecoming Week at Furman, which should be really fun! But more updates to come on that later. For now, I have to sleep.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Fighting Fear

I am writing this when I should be sleeping. But I have too much going on in my mind to sleep, and so I decided to write.

This past week has been a challenge for me. Last Monday, I had an infusion of my bone strengthening medicine again, and it left me really sick for two days. It was not as awful as the first time, but still not fun. But even once the side effects from the infusion were gone, I still wasn’t feeling entirely better. I am two and a half weeks into my second chemo cycle, and I am feeling it. I feel exhausted, both physically and emotionally. For the past few days, I have been feeling nauseous all day, despite taking medicine, and have hardly been able to eat, leaving me feeling weak and even more fatigued. It has been a tough week. Sometimes my heart just feels sad.

You don’t ever get used to having cancer. At least I don’t. I don’t think that I will ever get used to it. Sometimes it all just feels like a long, bad dream. I get frustrated a lot because I just want to feel normal. I want to be normal. A normal college student and a normal kid. But I think I am starting to realize that life isn’t ever going to go back to my pre-cancer normal. I am never going to be that Perrin again. And in some ways, I am grateful for that. Cancer has changed me and given me new perspective that I would never trade. I am creating a new normal each day, and figuring out what normal even means.

Cancer is just as much a fight against fear as it is against sickness. So often, I feel like I have to make a minute-by-minute decision not to be afraid. I am afraid of things that don’t cross other people’s minds.  Every time I have a scan, I worry that they will tell me the cancer has spread. Every time I start a new medicine, I worry about the side effects. I worry about planning things, for fear of being disappointed. And I hate that.

I have to make the constant, conscious decision to trust God, and not let fear control me. Trust has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Sometimes I wonder if I even knew what it meant to trust God before I got cancer. It is entirely different now. And sometimes it is so hard to be brave. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) So, even though I do not understand, and do not have all the answers, I have to choose to trust. Because a life lived in fear is no life at all.

“This is what the Lord says to you: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 1 Chronicles 20:15

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified because of this, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Sun Stand Still :)

What happens when you dare to ask God for the impossible? 

Joshua 10:7-14. Amazing. The Israelites were fighting a battle, but the sun was beginning to set. Joshua knew that if that sun went down, the Israelites would have no chance of winning the battle. He cried out to God, saying, “Oh sun, stand still over Gibeon!” God heard Joshua’s plea, and for the whole night, the sun did not set. And the Israelites won the battle!

I heard the most incredible sermon on this passage on Sunday at NewSpring Church. We serve a God who stopped the sun from setting to save His people. How awesome is that? Nothing is too big for God. But the pastor also emphasized that even when God stopped the sun from setting, the Israelites still had to fight through the night. We were not brought into this world to simply survive, but to be agents of change. But sometimes, we need to be willing to fight through the night while expecting a miracle from God.

I am waiting for God to make the sun stand still in my life. But I think a lot of people are. We want something big to happen. Something life-defining.

I can’t wait until I am better. Until cancer is a trial of the past. Kidney cancer does not have a cure, but I really believe that I am going to get better. I just don’t exactly know the timeframe. But this passage was unbelievably encouraging to me.

“For I will restore you to health, and heal all your wounds.” –Jeremiah 30:17

http://www.newspring.cc/series/sun-stand-still/sun-stand-still/  

*Here is the link to the sermon if you want to listen to it!