Fighting Fear

I am writing this when I should be sleeping. But I have too much going on in my mind to sleep, and so I decided to write.

This past week has been a challenge for me. Last Monday, I had an infusion of my bone strengthening medicine again, and it left me really sick for two days. It was not as awful as the first time, but still not fun. But even once the side effects from the infusion were gone, I still wasn’t feeling entirely better. I am two and a half weeks into my second chemo cycle, and I am feeling it. I feel exhausted, both physically and emotionally. For the past few days, I have been feeling nauseous all day, despite taking medicine, and have hardly been able to eat, leaving me feeling weak and even more fatigued. It has been a tough week. Sometimes my heart just feels sad.

You don’t ever get used to having cancer. At least I don’t. I don’t think that I will ever get used to it. Sometimes it all just feels like a long, bad dream. I get frustrated a lot because I just want to feel normal. I want to be normal. A normal college student and a normal kid. But I think I am starting to realize that life isn’t ever going to go back to my pre-cancer normal. I am never going to be that Perrin again. And in some ways, I am grateful for that. Cancer has changed me and given me new perspective that I would never trade. I am creating a new normal each day, and figuring out what normal even means.

Cancer is just as much a fight against fear as it is against sickness. So often, I feel like I have to make a minute-by-minute decision not to be afraid. I am afraid of things that don’t cross other people’s minds.  Every time I have a scan, I worry that they will tell me the cancer has spread. Every time I start a new medicine, I worry about the side effects. I worry about planning things, for fear of being disappointed. And I hate that.

I have to make the constant, conscious decision to trust God, and not let fear control me. Trust has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Sometimes I wonder if I even knew what it meant to trust God before I got cancer. It is entirely different now. And sometimes it is so hard to be brave. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) So, even though I do not understand, and do not have all the answers, I have to choose to trust. Because a life lived in fear is no life at all.

“This is what the Lord says to you: Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 1 Chronicles 20:15

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified because of this, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6