Who knows the future?

This week has both been a challenge and a blessing. I have loved getting to see more of my friends, start classes, start RUF and have some time to rest after O-Week. It has been incredible to see everyone after being away so long, and all of my friends have been so encouraging.

But it has also been hard fighting the exhaustion and feeling sick. The chemo is manageable, but it really does take all my energy away. No matter how much I sleep, I cannot seem to ever fully wake up. I get easily frustrated with myself when I cannot do everything that I want to do, but I feel like I am starting to learn my own limitations.

One challenge that I had not anticipated has really struck me in the past couple of days. College is such a future-oriented place. Everyone spends all day talking about where they are going to be after college, what internships they want for next summer, who they want to marry. It is hard for me because six months ago I was exactly the same. I felt like I had my whole life planned out, and now the future all seems so up in the air for me.

I feel like I have a whole new perspective on the future, which I am so grateful for (although it is really hard too). Our lives are completely in the Lord’s hands, and as much as we plan and set dates, He is the one in control of it all. So planning for where you will be twenty years down the road seems crazy to me, because who knows what twists and turns your life will take between now and then. 

“Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One who is leading.” –Anonymous

Without faith, it feels like I am stepping into an unknown abyss of my future. But with God, it is like I am facing that darkness while holding a flashlight. It will be okay. And even though I might not see everything coming, at least that flashlight can give me the courage to take the next step. So I pray that I will learn to take life one day at a time, and that in that I will learn what it truly means to trust God with the future and with everything. Trust is a hard lesson to learn…

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

Tired...

Today has been a challenge for me. Over the past few days since I started chemo, I have slowly felt myself wearing down, and becoming more tired, but today I just hit a wall. Even after sleeping in, I awoke feeling as if I had bricks on my shoulders, weighing me down. It was a struggle to even get out of bed. And knowing that I had another busy day of Orientation ahead of me made me want to cry.

One of the main reasons that I wanted to come back to school (other than to see all of my friends) was that I wanted so desperately to feel like a normal kid again. But my chemo and growing fatigue have served as a daily reminder that I am not exactly normal. I wanted to live life to the full while I was here, watch the sunrise, be with my friends constantly, and distract myself from the cancer. But so far, that has not been possible. I am so tired at the end of each day that I can barely make it to my bed.  

What does it mean to live life to the fullest? Maybe for me right now means something different than what I had pictured. Maybe it is more of enjoying the moments that I have with my friends, and finding joy in everyday, even if it is hard. I think I am still figuring it out. It is so easy for me to get frustrated, and only see my limitations, rather than remember how far I have come.

Hopefully my body will get more used to the medicine, and I will get stronger as the days go by. Classes start on Thursday, which I am excited for, and which will get me in a good routine.

“Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

New Beginnings

Today was my first day of chemo. I have known for a while now that this was the day I was going to start, and I feel like it has been looming over me. Luckily it is not the normal type of chemo, so all I have to do is take a pill everyday, rather than go in to the doctor for regular infusions. So I took the pill as my roommates cheered for me today, and felt relieved. Even though I was anxious to see how I would react, I felt a weight lifting as soon as I took the pill, because the anticipation was over. After taking it today, I could not feel any immediate side effects, which is such a blessing. I got a little more tired than usual in the afternoon, but I have become pretty used to being constantly tired, and have learned to push through it.

Today was also freshmen move-in day at Furman. I cannot believe that it was two years ago that I was in their place, moving into Furman and having no clue what was coming. I never imagined that I would love it this much. And I feel like so much has changed in me in the two years that I have been here! It is crazy to think about. I am so excited for the rest of the week, getting to know the freshmen, and seeing my other friends as they arrive back on campus.

So even though this will be a hard week for me as I start to feel the effects of my medicine and get into a routine with that, I know that it will be filled with so much joy and excitement. At first I thought that this was the worst time for me to be starting chemo, but now I am grateful for it, because even though I will be really tired, it is great for me to be beginning with such a challenge when I have such happy things going on around me.

Beauty

I am so happy to be back at Furman. Fall at Furman is absolutely stunning. 

"Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the clouds." Psalms 36:5

I go to the most beautiful school in the world.
(Also, I just discovered how to put pictures on my blog.)

Five months!

Today is five months since my surgery! It is really incredible for me to think about how far I have come in the past five months. Five months ago, I was at a low point. Other than the day of my diagnosis, I feel like surgery was really the start of my battle with cancer. It came when I was the most sick, and left me more sick than I had ever been for months afterwards. It has not been that long and yet it feels like an eternity since that day.

But now I am back at school, practically a normal girl again. It is so encouraging to me to see how far I have come in such a short time. My scar serves as a constant reminder of how far I have come, so that I won’t ever be able to forget. (And so even though I am not thrilled at having an enormous scar across my entire midsection, in some ways it is good.)

So much can happen in such a short time, and it is crazy to think where I will be in the five more months…

"He will fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouting." Job 8:21

Have Your Way

Mary Melissa sang this song at Hope Church last week, and ever since then, it has truly been on my heart. Songs can frequently move me, but it is rare that I find a song that exactly verbalizes the thoughts of my heart. I felt like this song spoke the words of my soul. I hope that this can be my prayer in the days and years to come...


Have Your Way

"Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
Whoa-oh..

And I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way."

I guess this makes me a blogger...

When told that I should start a blog, at first I was extremely opposed to the idea. It really freaked me out to be honest. Blog about my cancer? It just seemed too depressing. My thoughts felt to scattered and my brain felt too fried. But as the months have passed since my diagnosis, the more I have felt open to talk, and eventually the idea of a blog did not sound so abominable.

So first, I started writing about what I had been through in the past five months. But somehow, it didn’t seem quite right. So, instead of blogging about the past, I have decided to blog about where I am right now.  What I am thinking, what I am feeling, and what the Lord is teaching me. That is not to say that I think the past five months were unimportant to getting to where I am now. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I have had a devastating kidney cancer diagnosis, major surgery (as well as two other procedures), radiation, and hundreds of doctors’ appointments. I have been exhausted, angry, sick, lonely, terrified and sad. I can honestly say that it has been the hardest five months of my life.

 But it has all brought me to where I am today. I am a stronger person (maybe not physically, but at least emotionally and spiritually). I have learned and grown exponentially. So, instead of talking about the hard times in the past (many of which are still hard for me to write about), I want to write about where I am now and what the Lord is teaching me day by day.

I am moving into Furman to start my junior year of college on Saturday. In many ways, I feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life. But I am going to be at the place that I love and amongst so many people that I love. And I could not be more excited. J