"Team Perrin"

Parent’s Weekend with my dad this past weekend was perfect. I loved getting to spend quality time with my dad. He and I are a lot alike, and I always love the deep conversations that we have. And it was so encouraging for me to have a visit from home at the same time that I was starting my medicine again. Dad is fantastic, and I was so sad when he had to leave on Sunday. But it made me excited to be going home for Fall Break in a couple of weeks, so that I could see my whole family at once for the first time since August!

This weekend the Furman football game proceeds went to benefit the American Cancer Society, which was extremely meaningful to me. And on top of that, my incredible sorority wore their “Team Perrin” tshirts to the tailgate and football game to show their support.

 I can’t even begin to explain how it felt to walk over to the KD tailgate and see a multitude of girls wearing their bright green shirts with my name on it. The love and encouragement that they have all given me is simply unbelievable. Words cannot express how much their support touched me. The Furman community has been absolutely amazing these past seven months, and has truly encircled me with love and support, even when I was far away at home. Knowing that people all over are praying for me is such a constant encouragement, especially on the hard days.

It is incredible to me how the Lord can take the darkest times in a person’s life and use those times to show them such unbelievable love. Every single day I am blown away by people’s love. That love is a consistent light in the darkness, and encouragement amidst the sadness. 

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!" -Psalm 73:26

Cycle 2

I woke up this morning and was angry. I really don't get angry often, but as soon as I woke up it just hit me. Today was the start of my second cycle of my chemo meds.
And I was mad. Mad that there is such a thing as cancer. Mad that it messes things up. Mad that I have to take medicine that makes me feel so awful. Mad because I didn't ask for this. I didn't really have anywhere to direct my anger, so I was just mad at the cancer.
I cried as I took the medicine. One dose down, twenty-seven to go.
No one asks for cancer. Cancer is blind and cancer is cruel. Since I was diagnosed, I have been hearing of so many more people with cancer. And I feel like a bit of my heart breaks every time I hear of someone new. I don't want anyone to have to face this. Ever. But I keep hearing of people. There are girls my age at Auburn, Clemson and USC who I have heard about, all recently diagnosed with cancer. And people at home in Richmond too, who are not much older than I am. It just makes me so sad.
No one expects to be fighting for their life when they are twenty years old. No one expects doctors to tell you the things that I have heard. Sometimes it just makes me sad.

Sorry for the sad post today. But I want to document this all, and not sugar coat it. So that when I am all better one day, I can look back through this and see the great things that the Lord has done. So I call it like I see it- the good and the bad.
Today is the start of my second cycle of chemo. And today, I am sad.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your steadfast love endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands." -Psalm 138:7-8

Wisdom from T-Swift

"To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless means having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless means living in spite of those things that scare you to death."
-Taylor Swift

[My obsession with Taylor Swift has grown. And I love this quote.]

Big Week

I decided to write another post in order to avoid writing a paper right now, because my brain feels all over the place. So I apologize if this is really scattered.
This week is a pretty intense week for me. It seems to be the assessment period for all of my classes right now, so I have books to read, projects to do, lessons to teach, big tests and papers to write. My goal for this year was to not get stressed by minor issues (aka: schoolwork). While I am doing better than I have in the past with this stress, I cannot say that it is gone completely. Especially this week. I am feeling overwhelmed with my work, and get frustrated when I feel too exhausted to keep working.
In my head, it seems ridiculous to me that I am getting stressed over something as minor as writing a paper. I would have thought that after all the "big stress" I have faced in the past few months, that nothing little would ever stress me out again. I wish that were true. But unfortunately, sometimes the little things just add up until they seem to become big things.
Also looming over me this week is the prospect of starting my second cycle of my chemo medicine on Friday. While my doctors have significantly lowered my dose (because the last time I got so sick and because it lowered my blood counts so much), I am still nervous about how I will react. Ok, nervous is actually putting it mildly. I am dreading starting it again. But I have to get used to this, and the doctors have promised me that they will keep working with me to get this medicine to a livable dose.
But on the bright side, my dad is coming this weekend! It is Family Weekend and so he will be here, which I am so excited about! So there are good things to look forward to, but I just have to make it through the next few days.

"My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." -Psalm 119:50

Encouragement in Isaiah

Today, I think I found a piece of the encouragement that I was looking for. Not the whole answer, but simply encouragement.
I saw some verses from Isaiah on a friend's facebook status, and opened my Bible to look up the passage. As I opened to Isaiah, I turned to Isaiah 38. It tells the story of Hezekiah, the king of Judah at the time, who fell extremely ill, and was going to die. He cried out to God, and the Lord heard him. He saved Hezekiah from his illness, and added many years to his life. I thought it was incredible that this was the story that I opened to, and encouraging because I have never read this before.
Following that story, I read many other verses that filled me with peace. I really think that the Lord gave me these verses, knowing that I so desperately needed peace and encouragement.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding no one can fathom. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary and they shall walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31)

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know; in paths that they have not known, I will guide them. I will turn darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16)

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (Isaiah 43:1-3)

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

"In repentance and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." (Isaiah 30:15)

Despite the fact that none of these are my words, I felt that I needed to post them. They have greatly encouraged me, and so hopefully they can encourage others too. The Lord is at work, even in the darkest of times.

All Things New

I’m sorry it has been so long since I gave an update, and that I left my blog for so long on a sad note.

This past week has been filled with so much encouragement. Even though the days have been hard, and I haven’t always felt great, the Lord has given me blessings each day to keep me pushing through. This week I have been able to spend time with good friends, and have had some great, deep conversations with people.

Another incredible blessing in my week is my work in the elementary school, Stone Academy. Twice a week I get to go to Stone Academy and work with a class of fourth graders, who seriously light up my life. I spend the whole morning with them, helping the teacher wherever she needs me, and simply getting to know the kids. And I love everything about it. It has really shown me that my passion is teaching. I immediately feel comfortable in the classroom, and through this field experience, the Lord has really confirmed for me that I am supposed to be an elementary school teacher. It is the highlight of my week to see those kids, and get to invest in them, and love on them. This Friday, when I am there next, they are having an ice cream and pajama party as their reward for good behavior! So precious.

I am praying that the Lord gives me some encouragement for the future in these coming days. Sometimes I just feel like I need assurance that this is all part of God’s plan for me. My life has been forever changed. And it often feels so out of control. But I know that it isn’t. As much as I feel like everything has fallen apart, the Lord is restoring the world, and making all things new. I know that I have hope in this, even on the hardest of days. 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old way of things has passed away.' And the One who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new!'" -Revelation 21:3-5

There are some sad days...

Sometimes sadness can just take over and swallow you whole. It is not a good feeling, but sometimes it just happens. It happened a lot for me this weekend unfortunately.

I had my infusion of the new medicine on Friday, and thankfully, my mom was here with me for that. I went to the Cancer Center, and they took me back to the Infusion Room. It is a room filled with big, comfortable chairs and people getting chemo infusions. And even though I have been in the infusion room many times, this time it scared me so much. Maybe because this is my first time in the room while going through chemo. Maybe because it was so real this time. I don’t know exactly. But it was scary.

That night I got to go to My Tie, an orientation tradition and dance for the freshmen, which was incredible. I didn’t feel sick, and I felt so free and alive, just to be dressed ridiculously (we wore costumes) and dancing the night away.

(Here I am before going to My Tie! Only a couple hours after my infusion! Thanks to my roommate Brooke for taking this picture!) 

But unfortunately, after that I got very sick, and stayed that way for the rest of the long weekend. The new medicine basically gave me the worst two-day flu I could picture. I was so grateful that my mom was there to be with me and take care of me, but it was hard nonetheless.

Some days, if I let myself think too much, I can get really sad. Especially now that I am on chemo. I have realized that when I have no energy and feel utterly exhausted, I am much more susceptible to frustration and getting overwhelmed. I find myself wishing throughout the day that there was an escape- somewhere I could go where I didn’t have to think about cancer and there was no sadness or pain or terrible side effects. I don’t say any of this to sound depressed or to make anyone upset, but rather to be genuine. Cancer is hard and cancer is scary. Anyone who says otherwise must be either superhuman, or lying.

I went to the doctors again today, and they told me on top of all the side effects I had been experiencing, I also had an ear infection. Sometimes when it rains, it pours. I have an antibiotic, and it will go away soon though.

But on the bright side, today they also told me that I should stop taking the chemo medicine for the next two weeks. (Usually I will take the medicine for four weeks, with a two week break, but I have only taken it for three this time.) So, I get to start my two week break early! I am praying that these next two weeks will be incredible and alive, filled with adventures and joy. I cannot wait!

“Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning!” Psalm 30:5

Six Month Survivor! :)

Yesterday marked the six month anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. March 4, 2010. So much has happened in so little time. Only six months, and my life has forever changed.
A lot of people have asked how anyone even discovered that I had cancer. And I tell them that it was a lucky accident. But here is what I wrote in my journal after that day:

"The pain was unbearable. Much to my roommate Lauren’s chagrin, I had spent the entire night unable to sleep, simply lying on the futon, crying, and staring at the clock on our microwave. Pain had never stopped me from sleeping before. I remember waiting until it was a “godly hour” (as opposed to an “ungodly hour”) so that I could call my mom. Moms can always make you feel better, especially when you feel sick. My mom knew that I was in bad shape, because I had been calling everyday to give her updates on the level of pain. But it was increasing quickly.

The symptoms started in January. The pain in my back, which, granted had been a very present nemesis since high school, had escalated. For about a month my legs had been going numb multiple times day, which for me sent up a red flag. Back pain was normal for me, but not this intense numbness. So, I had scheduled a meeting with an orthopedic surgeon. And the week before, he had told me that he thought I had a herniated disk, but he wanted to see me again to do an MRI to be sure.

So, at the “godly hour” of six o’clock the day before my follow-up appointment, I got up off the futon and limped to the hall bathroom to call my mom, who luckily was already awake. Upon hearing that I hadn’t slept and was practically immobile from pain, she quickly resolved to drive down to Greenville right away, to go to this appointment with me the next day. This turned out to be an unbelievable gift from God, for little did I know the news I was about to receive. I remember being so frustrated because I had a huge project due that morning, but I was unable to walk to class to present it.

My mom arrived, and the day of the appointment came. Although I was in pain, I don’t think that I was terribly nervous. I figured that they would just give me some medicine to make the pain go away, and everything would be back to normal.

We walked into the pristine office, and it was impossible to not see that I was the youngest person in the waiting room (by far). (In the coming months, I would become very used to this observation.) The nurse called me back and I prepared for my first ever MRI. The tube scared me at first, but I quickly figured out that it was easiest to close my eyes, and not think about the enclosed space and loud noises.

Mom said that we needed the results right away (leave it to Mom to make things happen quickly) and so we agreed to wait for it to be read. I was unable to sit in a normal chair, which became apparent to the nice nurse, who took me to a back room to let me lie down.

In a few minutes, the phone rang. The nurse answered, and told my mom that the doctor was calling to talk to her. She took her notebook and picked up the phone.

I remember the exact moment that I knew something was very wrong.

Mom was facing me talking on the phone. I was watching her. After a couple seconds of listening, she stammered, “Wait, I’m sorry, you are going to have to repeat that.” And she turned away from me, so that I could not see her face.

And I knew that something was very, very wrong. (Although in my head, the most extreme thing that I could manage to think was that maybe I had two herniated disks...)

After a couple minutes of frantic scribbling, my mom hung up the phone, and walked over to where I was lying. I think the nurse was saying something to us, but to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention at all. All my focus was zoomed in on my mom, who looked like she was about to be sick.

“What did he say?” I asked. Mom wasn’t making eye contact with me.

“He said you have lymphoma.” Still no eye contact.

“Lymphoma…wait isn’t that cancer?”

“Yes. But don’t worry, it is going to be okay.”

Somewhere in the very back of my mind, I was aware that the nurse was talking. I think that she might have been trying to encourage me. But my brain had already shut down. I heard nothing. Tears started welling up in my eyes, and amid my stunned silence, I started to cry. Mom and I walked out of the doctors’ office in shock. We had to stop at the front desk to pay before we left, and I remember the lady encouraging me, and saying that the MRIs freaked out lots of people. Unfortunately, that was not the reason I was crying.

We walked out to the car and Mom immediately called my dad. I am so glad that I did not hear the other end of that phone call. I don’t think that I would have been able to bear it.

Mom and I sat in silence in the hotel for hours that afternoon. I literally just sat there. We didn’t really cry. I think that we were both still reeling from the shock.

I was a normal college student. Spring Break was supposed to start the next day. I was supposed to go to Florida with my boyfriend. I was supposed to be going to France in the fall. I was supposed to be in class at that moment. I still had half a semester left. I was supposed to be normal. How had this happened?

In the midst of my shock, I turned on my computer, and started a playlist on my iTunes. The song “If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens was the first to come on. I will never forget that. The song said exactly what I prayed I would be brave enough to say.

That night I had to go back to campus to tell a few of my close friends the news, and then to pack and leave. It was one of the most bizarre sensations. I walked back to campus in a cloud: a cloud of terror and sadness, a cloud of confusion and fear. But back at school, everything was exactly how I had left it. Girls on my hall were preparing to go out on dates. People were stressing about their midterms and frantically studying. And I walked through it all in a daze.

The faces of the people that I told that night will always haunt me. Never again do I want to say anything to put that look on their faces. My heart truly broke seeing their pain. It was a night of many tears. I packed enough stuff for two weeks, because the whole time Mom kept assuring me I would be back in no time. And the next morning I left for Richmond, to truly begin my journey with cancer."

This was one of the hardest days of my entire life. A couple days later, the doctor changed my diagnosis from lymphoma to Stage 4 kidney cancer, which was also a devastating blow. But life goes on. And now I am back at my beloved Furman, learning how to conquer each new day and each new trial. It has been a long journey, but now I am here! And I am a six month survivor! :) 

"The Lord gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, even young men stumble and fall. But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:29-31

Happy Birthday Mom!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Friday was my mom’s birthday, so I wanted to make a tribute to her. I was so blessed to have her here in Greenville on her birthday, and have loved hanging out with her this weekend! I truly have the best mom in the world. She is my best friend. My mom is the person I call when I have had a terrible day, and the person I call with incredible news. We have fun doing anything together, whether it is simply taking a walk with Champ, or watching What Not to Wear, or talking like Lorelai and Rory in Gilmore Girls. 

Mom always tells me that I am going to turn into her one day. And I always laugh and joke that there is no way. It has been an ongoing joke for years. When the family would have to pull her out of church because she was socializing too much, she would always look at me and declare that I was going to be the same way one day. (Which ironically, now I am worse. I think I am always the last one to leave church on Sundays.)

In reality, no matter how much we joke, I pray that I can become half the woman my mom is. She is a prayer warrior, and has never once doubted God, even through the hardest of circumstances. She never stops praying. And she never stops trusting in the Lord’s plan. There have been days that I have been so mad at God, and it is always my mom who encourages me to pray, even when I am sad, or angry. And my mom has such a heart for people. She cannot bear to ever see anyone left out, and will always go out of her way to include the people on the outskirts. She makes friends everywhere she goes (literally) and immediately puts people at ease. She has a hysterical sense of humor (even if it does sometimes mimic that of a teenage boy), and always keeps our family laughing.

I feel like I could go on and on. But in short, I am so grateful for my mom and I admire her so much. So happy 30^th birthday, Mom! (It is your 30^th, right?)

Happy September!

Today I went to alone to my doctor’s appointment for the first time since my diagnosis. (For the record, my parents offered to come down but this was just a minor appointment, so I didn’t think it was necessary to make the seven-hour drive.) At first, it made me feel grown up. But as soon as I entered the office, I immediately felt really young. Literally, everyone in the waiting room was over eighty years old. I felt a little out of place… I feel like age doesn’t apply to me anymore in a way. I am only twenty, but have experienced things that hardly any twenty year olds have had to face. I don’t feel like I am living the carefree life of a normal college student anymore. But I definitely still consider myself a kid. It’s an odd balance.

My oncologist and everyone at the Cancer Center are fantastic. They all look out for me there, which is such a blessing. I go back Friday for an infusion of medicine to make my bones grow, and I am praying that I don’t have any side effects. Hopefully this medicine will help my spine start to heal and recover from the holes left by the tumors. Luckily, my mom is coming down tomorrow, so she will be with me all weekend. I can’t wait to see her and spend the weekend with her!

“Be strong and take heart, all you whose hope is in the Lord.” –Psalm 31:24