The title of this blog comes from song lyrics that I heard many years ago by Switchfoot. And ever since the first time I heard it, these words have never left me. It makes so much sense. Although you might be standing in a shadow, that is direct evidence that the sun is still shining. I think that this is a great metaphor for my life right now. I am walking through some dark times. But I want these times to be evidence of the sun, and the bright glory of the Lord. And so while this blog will be chronicling some sad times in my life, I pray that it is also a testament to God, and a reminder of the good times in the midst of the shadows.

"I have said these things that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have troubles. But take heart, I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

Thursday, November 4, 2010

"Chemobrain"

I have been so frustrated with myself recently. This past week I have seen very clearly how my abilities have changed so much as a result of the cancer and the chemo. I get so tired now, without doing anything. I have to lie down every day, and can’t stay as busy as I have in the past. This is forcing me to slow down so much, which I guess is a good thing, but sometimes it feels like I am slacking, with everyone around me going 100 mph. It is a hard time of life to be forcing myself to slow down. And because it is such an enormous change from my pre-cancer pace, it is so hard not to get frustrated.
And this week I have been getting extremely frustrated because of a side effect of my chemo, which I learned yesterday, is called “chemobrain”. Apparently, it is giving me some form of short-term memory loss. This has resulted in me losing everything (I lost my cell phone for an hour and it was in my purse), forgetting everything, and truly not being capable of memorizing material for tests. Not good in college. I had a test on Tuesday that I had studied for for days, and I was getting so angry with myself, because no matter how much I studied, I truly could not retain any of the material. This is so hard for me because I am not used to this. Normally, I hardly ever lost things, and if I studied, I was capable of remembering material at least long enough to take the test. Not anymore. And it is driving me crazy.
It is a challenge for me to be okay with these new limitations, when I saw how I was able to live before. It is hard for me to be patient with myself.
These past two or three weeks have been tough for me. Even though I have been off the chemo for two weeks now, the toxins seem to have stayed in my body, leaving me completely fatigued all the time. No matter how much I sleep, I can never seem to wake up. My energy has just been drained from me completely. It has made it hard to function each day.
I went back to the doctor yesterday, and she gave me some good news though! I was supposed to start my third chemo cycle tomorrow, but because my blood counts are still very low, and because I have been feeling so sick, she told me that I should wait until after Thanksgiving to start the third cycle. Which gives me almost four more weeks medicine free! That is such a relief to me, and will give me time for my body to heal from the medicine.
Thanks for all the continuing prayers and support!
Also, today is officially 8 months since I was diagnosed! I am an 8 month cancer survivor. Wow. 

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” –Psalm 37:7
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8 comments:

  1. UnknownNovember 5, 2010 at 10:01 AM

    P,
    I have to pray that this is all a sign that your treatment is doing its job, like being nauseous when you are pregnant is a "good" bad thing. Be kind to yourself, for this is an incredible thing you are doing, fighting this fight and maintaining such a schedule at Furman! Your faithful witness during your struggle is producing eternal fruit, and your courage and vulnerability are living testimony to God's faithfulness.

    Know the White's miss no opportunity to lift you up in prayer! Also, thanks for sharing Libby's blog. I can see why she is an encouragement to you, for you share a private contest that outsiders can't so readily understand. I pray for you both daily.

    Again, be gentle with Perrin, for she is doing a mighty work in the heavenlies!!

    Much love,

    dorenda

    ReplyDelete
  2. DavidsonIdelleNovember 5, 2010 at 12:50 PM

    I just came across your blog and wanted to let you know that I blog as well on "chemo brain." You'll find resources there that may be able to help you. Look through the index of topics or use the search book to type in key words. Best wishes for your good health.

    ReplyDelete
  3. DavidsonIdelleNovember 5, 2010 at 12:52 PM

    I forgot to leave the URL for my blog! You've just witnessed my own chemo brain! (-:

    You'll find my blog at www.YourBrainAfterChemo.blogspot.com.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousNovember 6, 2010 at 2:38 PM

    Perrin,
    That you are persevering at school at all is an awesome testimony. I wish all of us who love you could lift any portion of the burden off of you. May God do that as we pray. Cary

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousNovember 8, 2010 at 12:16 PM

    2 Corinthians 12:9-10
    9And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for (A)power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather (B)boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

    10Therefore (C)I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with (D)distresses, with (E)persecutions, with (F)difficulties, (G)for Christ's sake; for (H)when I am weak, then I am strong.


    I just wanted to tell you this verse Perrin. I know we cannot imagine what you are going through and have gone through, but if this verse is true, and I believe with all my heart that it is, according to Christ, strength is measured by weakness.

    Wow you are strong. Wow Christ is strong.

    I love you so much! You truly are one of the strongest people I have ever known.

    -ha the girl who saw you LAUGH OUT LOUD during america's funniest home videos ha...who does that anymore? haha, I'll admit though, it really was a genuinely funny episode. Surprising? Unexpected? Most definitely. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousNovember 9, 2010 at 10:51 AM

    Dear Perrin, My daughter Georgeann Gregory is a sophomore at FU and asked me to pray for you last
    spring. I have been doing so as have several of my friends. Your courage and attitude is amazing. I would like to send your mother a note.
    If possible, could you please give your home address to Georgeann? God bless you and your family. Peace, Lee Gregory

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousNovember 9, 2010 at 2:26 PM

    Perrin,
    I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. You are such an inspiration to so many people at Furman. You have such a brave soul and courageous spirit...both of which are from the Lord. I cannot even begin to imagine how frustrating the loss of memory is, but be encouraged that Jesus is shining so brightly through your witness. Many blessings to you and praise God for your 8 month survivor mark!

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousNovember 14, 2010 at 2:37 PM

    Hi Perrin,

    You are amazing. I love reading your blog, and even though it's been so long since I've seen you, you are still my sister in Christ and I will always love and admire you (as I honestly always did, from our days as Jesus Chicks =P). 8 months! God is great, and what He is doing through you is absolutely amazing! Thanks for keeping this blog - it's such an inspiration. You are beautiful :)

    Peace and blessing!
    Lindsay H

    ReplyDelete

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