More Music

I wanted to post two more songs that I touched me recently. I know I talked about this before, but music always has the ability to speak to me in a way that ordinary words cannot. Hopefully these songs will do the same for you!

This first song is one that I heard soon after getting diagnosed, and I clearly remember hearing it for the first time and simply bursting into tears. The lyrics are amazing, and it spoke directly to my heart. And then in May 2010, I had a healing and prayer service at Hope Church. It was incredibly powerful, and I got to have so many people who I love so dearly surround me and pray specifically for my healing. It was one of the most powerful events I have ever been apart of, and was so touching to see friends and family gather together in prayer for me. It gives me chills just to remember it.

[And He'll break open the skies to save those who cry out His name. The One the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you.]

And this other song is one I heard for the first time only a few months ago. But it moved me just as deeply. We sang it in church at Newspring, and the words are so powerful. I could not get it out of my head for days. And since then it has had this wonderful trend of popping up on my iTunes just when I really need to hear it. 

[I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will.]

No Escape

Sorry for the lack of posts this month! Summer so far has been wonderful, but incredibly busy. And the house that I am living in does not have any internet, so posting has become a bit more difficult. But so far the summer has been filled with so many fantastic things. My friends from Richmond came to visit this weekend, which was perfect. And I have been able to have great times with friends and fun adventures already while I've been here. And hopefully there are many more to come! But I'm sorry for the lack of posts, and will try to continue to write whenever I have the chance (and internet).
Recently I have been feeling so tired of cancer. It is funny, because I no longer feel sick, but I am daily getting frustrated that it exists at all. Sometimes I feel like I can't escape it, and like it is impossible for me to forget about it, even when I so desperately want to. My friend's dad was diagnosed with terrible cancer this past week, and it broke my heart. I also heard about a girl my age in Richmond who has cancer, and about another Furman girl whose mom passed away from cancer this week. Every time I hear bad news related to cancer, it devastates me. I hurt for these people who I don't even know, simply because we have the bond of cancer. And I can imagine so much of what they are having to go through. I can picture the diagnosis and the tears, the doctors' offices and the shots and the scans. And it breaks my heart. I just get so angry that anyone has to experience it or deal with it.
I have also recently noticed that movies and tv shows love to incorporate cancer. If they ever want a character to die, it seems like they are always using cancer (or a car accident). Maybe that just means that I need to be more careful about the things that I watch, but sometimes I don't see it coming. Even shows as fun and innocent as Modern Family will mention it, or have an episode centered around it. Cancer is just hard to escape.
It is not all bad though. Cancer has given me a new level of empathy. I am able to reach out to those who are hurting from cancer, and give them encouragement. And it pushes me to pray for those people who are affected by it. Maybe this just means that the Lord is pushing me to do something with cancer in the future, and that there is a reason that I am continually feeling angry towards this disease. I'm not sure, but this has just been on my mind a lot recently, so I felt like I should write about it.
On a completely unrelated note, my flights to France are booked!! I will be there from July 2 to July 23. I have been working on planning the trip the past few weeks, and I am SO excited. It will be such a wonderful adventure, and I cannot wait!!

"For you, O God, have tested us; You have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; You laid a crushing burden on our backs; You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water yet You have brought us out into a place of abundance." Psalm 66:10-12

And So Summer Begins...

Well, I got good news! The scans showed that there was no spread, and no change from the scans that I had in January. It was such a wonderful blessing to hear this, and now I feel like summer has officially begun. Part of me thought something was going to be wrong on these scans. It is odd, but once you get diagnosed with cancer, every little ache or pain is scary. Every time my back hurts, it could mean there is spread. Every time my chest hurts from anxiety, it could be a spread. Every time I get a headache, it could be a spread. Every little thing makes me paranoid. And since the doctors keep telling me that it could metastasize anytime now, I live in this constant fear of hearing the word "spread". So I was worried that these were not going to be good, but they were. Praise the Lord! He made it happen, and gave me the blessing of this wonderful summer ahead of me.
I was beyond excited when I heard. I almost cried when I saw my friends and got to tell them the fantastic news. Now I can start planning my trip to France! And I can finally relax. No more medicine for three months. It seems too good to be true. My heart felt like it could burst with happiness.
But then, once the news had set in, I became overwhelmingly tired. Emotionally tired. It is so hard living from scan to scan. I always have the threat of the next set of scans looming over me. I am always aware of cancer, or worried about a spread. And simply the thought of having to continue this cycle of scans for years makes me weary. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my life.
So yesterday was a roller coaster. It was filled with the joys of summer, and hope, and life, but also filled with a sense of inner exhaustion. But the overriding feeling was definitely excitement. Now my summer has started, and good times are ahead!

"I came so that they may have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever could have dreamed of." -John 10:10 (The Message)

Waiting

I had another set of scans today. They always stress me out, but these definitely did more than most. I have been off of my medicine since January, and so these scans are a really big deal. If there is no spread, then that is wonderful news. But if there is spread, then it would definitely change my summer plans, because I would have to go back on medicine, or worse. I hate feeling like I have to live from scan-to-scan. And now that I know what it feels like to be healthy, I am scared to lose that feeling, and scared to go back to feeling perpetually sick.
I also have the most wonderful summer ahead of me. I seriously do not think I could be more excited. For May and June, I will be staying in Greenville, and babysitting for a bunch of families with the most precious children. I'll be living in a really cute house with two of my friends, and a ton of other friends will be living here this summer. So I am hoping to use those months to get to do all of the fun things around Greenville that I don't have time to do during the year. I think it will be incredible.
And then in July, I am going to.... FRANCE! I have been waiting to blog about this because I wanted to be certain about it. But I am going to go with my mom for two and a half weeks, and travel all around the country. I don't even think I can find the words to show my excitement right now. I would have to type in all caps and with thousands of exclamation points to even show a fraction of it.
Needless to say, I honestly feel like I have the most exciting summer ever ahead of me. It almost doesn't seem real. I think that that is why I am extra nervous about these scans. Because I don't want anything to change these plans. I don't want any bad news. Sometimes it is scary to hope.
But I am choosing to hope nonetheless, and to move forward with confidence that everything will be okay. I should get results of the scans in the next few days. Pray that there is no spread, so that I can continue to stay off of medicine, and so that I can continue to gain strength and feel alive. But for now I am just waiting to hear results, and praying that nothing has changed so that I can start my wonderful summer free of fear or sadness.

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

"Here my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait expectantly." -Psalm 5:3-4

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield." -Psalm 33:20