Well, I got good news! The scans showed that there was no spread, and no change from the scans that I had in January. It was such a wonderful blessing to hear this, and now I feel like summer has officially begun. Part of me thought something was going to be wrong on these scans. It is odd, but once you get diagnosed with cancer, every little ache or pain is scary. Every time my back hurts, it could mean there is spread. Every time my chest hurts from anxiety, it could be a spread. Every time I get a headache, it could be a spread. Every little thing makes me paranoid. And since the doctors keep telling me that it could metastasize anytime now, I live in this constant fear of hearing the word "spread". So I was worried that these were not going to be good, but they were. Praise the Lord! He made it happen, and gave me the blessing of this wonderful summer ahead of me.
I was beyond excited when I heard. I almost cried when I saw my friends and got to tell them the fantastic news. Now I can start planning my trip to France! And I can finally relax. No more medicine for three months. It seems too good to be true. My heart felt like it could burst with happiness.
But then, once the news had set in, I became overwhelmingly tired. Emotionally tired. It is so hard living from scan to scan. I always have the threat of the next set of scans looming over me. I am always aware of cancer, or worried about a spread. And simply the thought of having to continue this cycle of scans for years makes me weary. Sometimes it is hard to believe that this is my life.
So yesterday was a roller coaster. It was filled with the joys of summer, and hope, and life, but also filled with a sense of inner exhaustion. But the overriding feeling was definitely excitement. Now my summer has started, and good times are ahead!
"I came so that they may have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever could have dreamed of." -John 10:10 (The Message)
Such very good news! Have a fantastic summer!
ReplyDeleteAll I could think of was a form of the doxology we used to sing when I was younger... But it still applies to every day's breath, heartbeat, and praise for your continued good health, Perrin:
ReplyDelete"Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;
praise him, all creatures here below;
praise him above, ye heavenly host;
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." (Thomas Ken, 1674)
All love!
Amen.
Great news! You are definately an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteMy story is no where near yours and I can't even imagine what it is like walking in your shoes, but I can relate to the word cancer and what it does to your mental mind.
I go for skin checks now every 4 months and this will be my norm for the rest of my life. The skin checks are looking for cancer to make sure any more cancer is caught early. This is the new norm for me, but it is hard sometimes to think that I'm still in my 20s and have regular screenings to make sure I don't have a repeat cancer experience.
Enjoy your summer, you deserve it!
I continue to celebrate this scan news every day!! I love the sunshine of your soul, Perrin. Clouds at times pass over it, but its light breaks through them. Thanks for your wholehearted honesty in these blogs. The good news is made all the brighter by your willingness to admit what's hard. (Oh, yeah! That's like the name of your blog!!) When you're tempted to look ahead and worry or wonder, try instead to remember that "This is the day the Lord has made"--and focus on it, rejoice and be glad in it!
ReplyDeleteGosh P, wow. I almost cried when I heard the news!
ReplyDeleteWhat you said just made me think of this verse. THis is so hard to do, I can't even imagine it for you. I love you and whooooo hoooo hoooo for France!!!!!:)
Mat. 6
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.