21 Things I'm Thankful for on my 21st Birthday!

For my birthday (which was two days ago) I wanted to make a list of the things in my life that I am truly thankful for. I wasn't sure whether to make it things I am grateful for in this exact moment, or big things that I am generally grateful for, so I did some of both. And even though I've been feeling pretty sick these past few days, it helps to try to focus on the positive. So here is my list  in no particular order (although I had MANY more I could have included):

•  Mom and Dad who have been my rock these past 21 years.
• Chris and Alex- the best brothers I could ask for
• All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who have supported me in love and who I love so much
• Hope Church, Third Presbyterian, and Newspring Church
• Snow on the ground outside- I love white Christmases!
• Growing up in Richmond
• Furman University which has been the perfect fit for me and has become a second home while I’ve been there
• Kappa Delta, O-Staff and RUF at Furman and the incredible friends they have given me
• All of my doctors and nurses working to make me healthy all over the US
• Heart to hearts
• My wonderful apartments at school and my roommates
• The knowledge that God has a plan for my life and that God is good
• Pictures to remember every moment (I got a camera for Christmas and my aunt just made me a scrapbook for my birthday that I have been pouring over, making me especially grateful for pictures now.)
• All of the love and support that I’ve had in 2010. It has been a tough year, but I have never felt so loved in my life.
• All of the kids I have met tutoring at different schools in Greenville
• All of my incredible friends in Richmond and at Furman who have been there for me through thick and thin
• The adults who have supported me through my battle with cancer and who have been there to let me vent to them
• My recent trip to New York with my mom
• No new cancer spread at my last checkup!
• Books and music to brighten my days
• The past 21 years of my life!!
• 
  

"For I consider that the present sufferings of this time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Wonderful Time of the Year

The past few weeks have been insane. The semester ended at Furman in a whirlwind. The weeks after Thanksgiving were full of tests, projects and finals. But there were also Christmas parties and KD events in those weeks too though, making all the work a bit more bearable. It was very hectic, though.

And then when I got back, my parents surprised me with a trip to New York as my 21^st birthday present! My mom and I left on Monday and just got back today. It was an incredible trip. We went to three Broadway shows, shopped and walked all around to see the Christmas decorations. Despite the freezing temperatures, it was beautiful. My mom and I had so much fun seeing the city and being together.

I am over halfway through my third cycle of the medicine. And so far, it has been so much more manageable than the other cycles. Recently I have been feeling completely exhausted, but it was such a blessing that I was able to push through that while I was in New York.

I absolutely love the Christmas season. I love the decorations, the lights, the carols and the Christmas trees. I love everything about it!

Saturday is my 21^st birthday! I don’t really feel that old yet, but in some ways, I feel so much older. If that makes any sense. This past year has brought so much change in my life. It is crazy to think what amazing changes the Lord will bring with this coming year!

This is my first birthday being sick. I pray that I can feel okay, even if just for that one day, to celebrate and enjoy the festivities. I pray this for everyone else with cancer too. It is just so hard sometimes, and I hate the idea of anyone being sick on Christmas. I pray that it can simply be a time for everyone to be thankful for their blessings and rejoice in the birth of the Lord.

Richmond is also due to get a ton of snow on Saturday! So maybe we will have a white Christmas! Merry Christmas everyone! And I will try to post more frequently with my thoughts and reflections now that life is slowing down a bit.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness, a light has dawned...For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." -Isaiah 9:2,6

How Far I've Come

Sorry for the lack of posts recently! Getting back into school since Thanksgiving Break has been a complete whirlwind of tests, papers and projects. I cannot believe that the semester is almost over! It has flown by.

Saturday made me a nine month cancer survivor. It is really unbelievable to think. I can’t help but think that this time last year I had no idea I was sick.  I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss. It is crazy. It’s almost like I cannot remember what my life was like before I knew I had cancer. Everything has changed so much.

In nine months, I have come so far. The two months after my surgery were brutal. I really look back on that time and cringe. Everyday was a dark battle, a choice to keep pushing forward, a fight against despair. I hardly kept a meal down for two months. Right after my surgery, it was a struggle for me to sit up in bed for ten minutes at a time. And walking even a few steps would completely drain all my energy, and usually result in me getting sick. I was going to the hospital nonstop, and having to constantly see doctors, or try new medicines. And I was usually in extreme pain from either the surgery or from side effects of the radiation. If I left the house, I usually had to be pushed in my wheelchair, because walking was too draining. One night in the middle of it all, I was talking to my dad and said, “I can’t remember what it feels like to not feel sick.” That was the lowest I’ve ever been. The memories still terrify me.

At that time in life, I would have never dared to dream that I would be back at Furman this fall, much less that I would be well enough to complete a whole semester on my own. Honestly, I am shaking right now as I write this, just thinking about it all. God is truly good.

I am getting ready to start my third round of chemo treatment. Although there are not tumors still present in my body, the doctors believe that there are still cancerous cells, so it is necessary to stay on the medicine to slow down any spread. I am not excited for it, but at least I know that it is helping, which gives me the encouragement to continue. And I will be on a reduced dose again, so hopefully my body will tolerate it better.

Thanks again for all the prayers and support. I really don’t think I can ever repeat this enough. It means the world to me.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress. He sent out His word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave." -Psalm 107:19-20 

Oh happy day!

My doctor called with news from my scans Wednesday and said that it is “the best news”. None of the doctors expected such great news, but there has been no spread in the cancer! And on top of that, any remnants of the tumors in my body have disappeared! My back is completely stabilized, after only three infusions of the bone-strengthening medicine. In August, when I asked my spine surgeon about my back, he was worried that I would need major back surgery, or that my spine could collapse at any moment. He estimated that I would need the infusions for years, but after only three months, I am back to normal! They were also worried about some enlarged lymph nodes back in August, but they are completely back to normal size. My oncologist literally said that the news was so great that I should go buy a new car to celebrate (which, of course, I am not going to do, but that is to give a picture of how great this is).

Praise the Lord! He has brought “the best news” this Thanksgiving break! It is encouraging to know that the months of sickness because of the chemo have been worth it. And to get the reminder that the Lord is working in the darkest of circumstances. I think that this is the first time in the past nine months that I have received good news from the doctors… Praise the Lord!

It has taken me a while to process it, to be honest. The past two days of waiting have been hard, and the more I waited, the more I thought it could be bad. Wednesday entailed six hours in the radiology wing of the hospital, with four scans, six shots and one doctor's appointment. It was rough, but all completely worth it to be able to sigh with relief at this amazing news.

Thanks for the unceasing prayers! The Lord is listening! Your continued prayers would be such a blessing. Because even though I am not completely healed, this is proof that He can make this all go away. Doctors have said that there is no cure, but they don't account for Him. The Lord has shown that he can work miracles. And I believe that He will! 

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: who forgives your iniquities and heals all your diseases…” –Psalm 103:2

Scans.

Yesterday, I was hit with the realization that my big scans are in less than a week.  I think that subconsciously I have been keeping myself busy, so I don't have to think about it. But as I started to slow down, anxiety snuck up behind me.
My scans are on Wednesday, and it will be the first time that I have gotten scans since the beginning of August when I was at NIH. It is scary because over the summer, when I was home, I was getting scans practically every two weeks. So I was constantly being reassured that everything was okay and nothing was progressing. But now I haven't heard in three months. And while I am sure that everything will be fine, it is still scary. These will tell if the chemo has worked, and been worthwhile. It will tell what my next step in the process should be. And it will give me a picture of overall, how fast the cancer is moving.
It is hard, because (apart from a miracle) one day I will go in for a scan and they will tell me it has spread. It is not gone forever.
I really believe that the Lord is going to do great things. And I just have to remind myself of that when I get afraid. I have so much respect for cancer patients who fight for so many years. It has been less than nine months for me, and yet it feels like a lifetime. It is so hard sometimes.
So Wednesday will mean an MRI and two CT scans. I am really used to both now, but CT scans are especially tough for me. The three scans will get a picture of my whole body, and if there is anything new, it will show up. And then it will all be over by Thanksgiving Day, and there is so much to be thankful for!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might." -Ephesians 6:10

My Playlist

My mind recently has been incredibly jumbled. I feel like my thoughts have been all over the place, one moment sad and then the next overjoyed. One moment completely exhausted, and the next filled with energy. I am usually not like this, and so I don't entirely know how to process it right now. So rather than writing about how I am feeling at this moment (since it is likely to change by the time the post is finished), I thought instead I would mix it up.

"Music is what feeling sounds like." So since I cannot sort out my feelings at the moment, I will give you the music that has been speaking to my soul.

1.     You Are My Hope by Cory Asbury

2.     In You by MercyMe

3.     Madly in Love With You by Sean McConnell

4.     Light Up the Sky by The Afters

5.     How Great Thou Art by Carrie Underwood

6.     Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe

7.     Something to Hope For by The Undeserving

8.     While I’m Waiting by John Waller

9.     Long Live by Taylor Swift (not a Christian song, but I had to include it because I’ve been playing it on repeat since the CD came out)

10. Cry to Jesus by Third Day

11. More by Matthew West

12. How He Loves by Eddie Kirkland (my all time favorite song ever)

13. Take My Hand by Shawn McDonald

14. Strong Enough to Save by Tenth Avenue North

15. Oh My Dear by Tenth Avenue North

16. Just So You Know by Sleeperstar

17. Psalm 62 by Shane and Shane

18. The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets

19. What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road

20. Our God by Chris Tomlin

Psalm 91 (The Message)

You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow, 
   Say this: "God, you're my refuge. 
      I trust in you and I'm safe!" 
   That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps, 
      shields you from deadly hazards. 
   His huge outstretched arms protect you— 
      under them you're perfectly safe; 
      his arms fend off all harm. 
   Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night, 
      not flying arrows in the day, 
   Not disease that prowls through the darkness, 
      not disaster that erupts at high noon. 
   Even though others succumb all around, 
      drop like flies right and left, 
      no harm will even graze you. 
   You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance, 
      watch the wicked turn into corpses. 
   Yes, because God's your refuge, 
      the High God your very own home, 
   Evil can't get close to you, 
      harm can't get through the door. 
   He ordered his angels 
      to guard you wherever you go. 
   If you stumble, they'll catch you; 
      their job is to keep you from falling. 
   You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes, 
      and kick young lions and serpents from the path. 

  "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, 
      "I'll get you out of any trouble. 
   I'll give you the best of care 
      if you'll only get to know and trust me. 
   Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; 
      I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. 
   I'll give you a long life, 
      give you a long drink of salvation!"