Sorry I am exhausted and don't have time for a long post tonight. But I just found out that I am getting more scans tomorrow. I am hoping that they will be just as positive as the ones at Thanksgiving! But it is still scary nonetheless. Prayers would be much appreciated!
The past few weeks have been really hard for me, and I have had over five weeks in a row of feeling miserable from the medicine. So I am hoping that I get good news from these scans, and that life begins to take a turn for the better.
"Yet if you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then, free of fault, you will life up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take rest in your safety. You will lie down with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor." -Job 11:13-19
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I don't usually let myself get mad. I've always operated this way. I don't like the feeling of being angry, and sometimes even feel like there is something wrong with it. Like I am not supposed to feel that way. I don't like getting mad at people because I hate conflict. And I don't like being mad at circumstances because that won't help make things better.
But the past few days I have been angry at cancer. Mrs. O'Connor passed away yesterday from cancer, and I legitimately got angry. She's the mom of a friend of mine from high school, and went to church with me. Hearing of her death broke my heart. She was always so incredibly encouraging to me every time I would see her in church, and she never failed to have a smile on her face, no matter how she was feeling on the inside. Even in her own sickness, she prayed for me. It hurts me when someone dies from cancer. Physically hurts me.
When I heard about it, I got so angry. Angry that cancer exists and that it brings so many tears. Angry that bad things happen. The Lord promises that "all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His plan" (Romans 2:28). And that "no one who waits on the Lord will ever be put to shame." So right now, I am angry at cancer. And trying to maintain hope that things will get better. That life will not always be this hard. That one day I will look back on this phase of my life and know that their was a purpose behind it all. That the Lord has a plan.
"You who seek God, let your hearts revive!" Psalm 69:32
But the past few days I have been angry at cancer. Mrs. O'Connor passed away yesterday from cancer, and I legitimately got angry. She's the mom of a friend of mine from high school, and went to church with me. Hearing of her death broke my heart. She was always so incredibly encouraging to me every time I would see her in church, and she never failed to have a smile on her face, no matter how she was feeling on the inside. Even in her own sickness, she prayed for me. It hurts me when someone dies from cancer. Physically hurts me.
When I heard about it, I got so angry. Angry that cancer exists and that it brings so many tears. Angry that bad things happen. The Lord promises that "all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His plan" (Romans 2:28). And that "no one who waits on the Lord will ever be put to shame." So right now, I am angry at cancer. And trying to maintain hope that things will get better. That life will not always be this hard. That one day I will look back on this phase of my life and know that their was a purpose behind it all. That the Lord has a plan.
"You who seek God, let your hearts revive!" Psalm 69:32
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Frolicking in a Snow Day!
The night after I got into Greenville, we got 8 inches of snow! It is beautiful here! And the first two days of school have been canceled, with the possibility of tomorrow being canceled as well! It has been a wonderful time of getting to be with friends without the classes or work. Such a great start to the new semester. And such a blessing after the past few weeks of hard times. 
"Be strong and take heart, all you whose hope is in the Lord." -Psalm 31:24
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Tough Times
The exhaustion hasn't left. I finished my cycle on Monday, and even though I am no longer taking the medicine, I feel like I am only getting worse. And I haven't been eating or sleeping well, which doesn't help. For three weeks now, I have felt simply miserable. The longer this fatigue lasts, the more I get frustrated. I hate that I have felt sick almost the whole time that I've been home. It has made it so much harder to relax and enjoy the vacation.
I laugh because when I tell people I am tired, the most common response is for people to say, "Oh, me too." And I can only laugh... There is no word strong enough to explain this extreme exhaustion.
I go back to Furman on Sunday and start classes on Monday. And I am so excited to be back at school, seeing friends, and getting back into routine. But I am also worried about starting the semester feeling so sick. I guess it is no different than me being so sick last semester, though. It will just be hard.
When I get this tired, I get so frustrated that this is happening. Frustrated that I am not like everyone else around me. Frustrated that to get well, I first have to take medicine that makes me so sick. Frustrated that this time last year, I was planning my study abroad in France and my summer adventures. Frustrated by my limitations. And frustrated that nothing is ever easy. Basically, my physical exhaustion quickly leads to emotional exhaustion. And together, they're a one-two punch.
I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like it makes people so worried about me. I will be okay. But for now, I feel exhausted and frustrated. But hopefully this new semester will be a new start entirely, and that I will be able to start fresh and awake! And I want to write posts like this so that I can push myself to be honest, and not sugarcoat reality. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
But on the bright side, it is snowing!
"Consider it pure joy, my friends, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3
I laugh because when I tell people I am tired, the most common response is for people to say, "Oh, me too." And I can only laugh... There is no word strong enough to explain this extreme exhaustion.
I go back to Furman on Sunday and start classes on Monday. And I am so excited to be back at school, seeing friends, and getting back into routine. But I am also worried about starting the semester feeling so sick. I guess it is no different than me being so sick last semester, though. It will just be hard.
When I get this tired, I get so frustrated that this is happening. Frustrated that I am not like everyone else around me. Frustrated that to get well, I first have to take medicine that makes me so sick. Frustrated that this time last year, I was planning my study abroad in France and my summer adventures. Frustrated by my limitations. And frustrated that nothing is ever easy. Basically, my physical exhaustion quickly leads to emotional exhaustion. And together, they're a one-two punch.
I hate writing posts like this, because I feel like it makes people so worried about me. I will be okay. But for now, I feel exhausted and frustrated. But hopefully this new semester will be a new start entirely, and that I will be able to start fresh and awake! And I want to write posts like this so that I can push myself to be honest, and not sugarcoat reality. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
But on the bright side, it is snowing!
"Consider it pure joy, my friends, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year!
I feel like I am having some form of writer's block. Since my last post, I have started at least five new posts, but never been able to get past the second sentence. So I guess this is progress.
The past few days have been tough. I am almost done with this cycle of chemo though, which is good. But I have been completely drained and exhausted this past week. I feel like I am walking around with sandbags tied to me. No matter how much I sleep, I wake up feeling even more exhausted. I am just so run down, and can't catch up. I hate feeling this way. But at least I am almost finished with this cycle, and then I will have a two week break. With all the past doses of the medicine, I haven't been able to take the medicine longer than three weeks, because it has made me so sick. So even though I am sick now, it is definite progress that I have made it this long. But it is still hard. I am just emotionally and physically exhausted right now.
But on a lighter note, Happy New Year! Who knows what this year will bring? This time last year, I had absolutely no idea that all of this would happen. It is such a reminder to me that the Lord is in control of the future. I don't know what is coming in this new year, but I know that God has a plan. So I don't have to be afraid, right? I hope that 2011 will be a turnaround, and that this time next year I will look back at the miracle God brought in 2011 with awe.
Happy 2011! Thanks for all the amazing prayers and support through 2010!
"This is the day [and year] that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" -Psalm 118:24
The past few days have been tough. I am almost done with this cycle of chemo though, which is good. But I have been completely drained and exhausted this past week. I feel like I am walking around with sandbags tied to me. No matter how much I sleep, I wake up feeling even more exhausted. I am just so run down, and can't catch up. I hate feeling this way. But at least I am almost finished with this cycle, and then I will have a two week break. With all the past doses of the medicine, I haven't been able to take the medicine longer than three weeks, because it has made me so sick. So even though I am sick now, it is definite progress that I have made it this long. But it is still hard. I am just emotionally and physically exhausted right now.
But on a lighter note, Happy New Year! Who knows what this year will bring? This time last year, I had absolutely no idea that all of this would happen. It is such a reminder to me that the Lord is in control of the future. I don't know what is coming in this new year, but I know that God has a plan. So I don't have to be afraid, right? I hope that 2011 will be a turnaround, and that this time next year I will look back at the miracle God brought in 2011 with awe.
Happy 2011! Thanks for all the amazing prayers and support through 2010!
"This is the day [and year] that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" -Psalm 118:24
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