Be Careful What You Wish For

 I am a compulsive journaler. Writing is an outlet for me, and for years I have kept journals, not to detail the minute details of each day, but rather to express my thoughts and sort through life on a piece of paper. Tonight I pulled out my journal from last year, just to see what I had written. And although I would never normally share my journal with anyone, much less with everyone who chooses to read my blog, I thought that this was an appropriate exception. I wrote this exactly 16 days before I was diagnosed with cancer:

"Sometimes I worry that I am going to miss out on life's great adventure. I feel like one day I will blink and my chance will be gone. People always say, "Live like today is your last day." Am I doing that?What would I do if I truly felt like each day was a precious gift?
I have this deep longing within me to be a part of some great adventure. I never want to look back and have any regrets... I think I am on a road of continually learning what it means to trust God with the big picture of my life. I simply need to have faith, and trust His unknown plans."


And I promise that that is a direct quote. You would think I knew what was coming. That in a mere 16 days I would be faced with that single moment where one part of your life ends and another begins. And in 16 days I would become a cancer patient. Pretty soon I would get a major dose of adventure, but not in the way I ever expected.

Five days later, I wrote a quote from a sermon that David Dwight preached. "Hope is hearing the music of the future. Faith is dancing to it now."

And four days after that, I took notes on a talk at RUF about "What do we do when life gets difficult?"


It is funny to look back and see that God was preparing me for what was coming. It makes me cringe now though, because I know that when I was writing those words, I had no idea what they would later mean.

I think I will have more frequent posts this week. Right now my mind simply can't seem to turn off. It is replaying scenes and conversations over and over from this past year. So as I am thinking and processing everything, I will try to share that on my blog. It has been almost one year with cancer.

"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again." Psalm 71:20

This Time Last Year...

I once read that the day you hear the words "you have cancer" is the day that you become a survivor. March 4th I will be a one year kidney cancer survivor. 

Last year at this time, I went to the orthopedic surgeon about the extreme pain in my back. My legs were frequently going numb, and my back was excruciating, the worst it had ever been. The doctor told me he was sure it was a herniated disk, but that I needed to get an MRI, just in case. So then after the MRI on March 4, 2010, I heard the dreaded words "you have cancer", and my life immediately flipped upside down. 

All through this semester I have found myself thinking, "This time last year I didn't know I had cancer" or "This time last year everything was normal." It is scary to think about how much has happened in this past year. But I guess rather than thinking about how much has gone wrong in one year, I should make myself focus on how far I have come. I am almost a one year cancer survivor. 

"And Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.'" Exodus 14:13

Life Lessons

A few weeks ago Newspring Church had a series on "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People", and although I wasn't able to make it to the actual services, I just finished listening to them online, and it was incredibly powerful. Here are a few points from the sermons that I really liked:

• With Christ in you, you will no longer be identified by tragedy, but you will be identified by triumph. God transforms our tragedy to His triumph. 
• God does not punish His children, but instead He prepares them for what is ahead. 
• Don't waste your pain. God has a purpose for it. 
• The phrase "fear not" is in the Bible 366 times (once for every day of the year plus one!)
• God might not immediately deliver you from tragedy, but He promises to always walk with you through it. 
• Are we going to allow circumstances to determine our belief in God? Or are we going to allow our belief in God to reign over our circumstances?

Then the pastor, Perry Noble, had people give their testimonies. The first one given was from a man who was diagnosed with cancer twice, and who was dying. He said, "If God chooses to heal me, then God is God and God is good. If God chooses not to heal me, and I die, then God is still God and God is still good." Powerful words. 

These notes encouraged me greatly, and so I wanted to share them. Because they don't just apply to life with cancer. It can apply to whatever someone is dealing with in life. God is making all things new, and He promises to make everything beautiful in its time. 

"God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Sad Yet Encouraged

This past week has been really hard. About a week ago, I started feeling better for the first time in six weeks. But right as soon as I began to feel better, other things started messing up. As soon as I began to feel awake during the day, I stopped sleeping well at night. And yesterday I had to spend the whole day in bed sick with a fever and migraine. I'm all better now, but exhausted.

I also received some hard news a few days ago. Because of having to drop out last spring and having to underload this whole year, I am now behind academically. My academic advisor told me that unless I want to completely run myself into the ground, there is no way that I will be able to finish all of my classes in time. The scheduling is all complicated, but my advisor told me that I will have to graduate in spring 2013, instead of spring 2012. It was very hard for me to hear. I've always pictured myself graduating with my class, and walking across that stage with all of my friends. But no matter how much I want that, that door has been closed for me now. And that is really hard.

I am not very good at handling when things don't go according to my plan. I like having a set schedule, and I like having some idea of what is coming next. But if this year has taught me anything, it is that I can't always plan my own future. I can set goals and have dreams, but I need to be willing to adjust when life takes an unexpected turn. It is a tough lesson to learn from experience when you are only twenty-one.

When I was venting to my roommate after finding out this news, she reminded me of a wonderful story. The story of Joseph. Joseph had everything going for him. And then all of a sudden, without warning, life turned on him. He was sold into slavery and thrown in jail. The dreams he had pictured for his life were destroyed, and doors were closed. But in the end, all of that bad stuff happened so that God could fulfill His amazing purpose for Joseph. And all the negative circumstances of his life allowed Joseph to rise to be a picture of triumph. Joseph could have never imagined the plan God had for him. But in the end, it all worked out.

So even though it feels like everything has been falling apart this past year, I have to believe that there is a plan behind it all. And to be honest, sometimes that is really hard for me to believe that when life around me seems so painful and chaotic. But there is a plan. And maybe, like Joseph, I have to go through the hard times to be led to the plan God has for me that I never could have imagined.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." -1 Corinthians 16:13-14

The Good and the Bad

The Good- My scans were good! They showed that since Thanksgiving, there has been no new spread of my cancer. What a blessing!

The Not-So-Good - These past five or so weeks have been really hard. Some of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time, to be honest. I have felt so weak and tired, and never feel like I can catch up. Exhaustion has become my constant companion. It is more than simply physical exhaustion. A nap won't make it go away. It is mental and emotional exhaustion too. And everywhere I go, I am tired. My blood counts are low, and blood work just showed that I am now anemic (meaning I am not getting enough iron intake), which are both adding to my exhaustion. The doctors are running tests to see if there is something else going on making me sick in addition to tired, because for weeks now I have felt bad, which is not normal. But at least the scans are good, so I know that my sickness is not a result of spread.

I also had to drop a class last week. Within two weeks of classes, I was very clearly able to recognize that my goal of taking a full course load this term was impossible. I had hoped that I would be able to handle it, but I definitely was not. So now I am down to three classes instead of four, and hoping that that will make a difference. But this is also throwing me off track for graduation. I got behind last spring because I had to drop out in the middle of the term when I was diagnosed. So going into this semester, I was eight credits short to graduate on time. But now that I have dropped another class, I am up to twelve credits short. I am looking into taking summer school all summer to catch up, but that will be a challenge. My goal with being back at school has been to graduate with my class. I want to walk across the stage at graduation with all of my friends around me. I don't know if that is going to be possible, but only time will tell. For now I just have to keep pressing forward towards that goal.

I am also feeling myself getting antsy here. This time last year I pictured everything being so different. I could have never foreseen this coming. And it is so hard for me to cope as I have watched doors being closed. I wanted to be living a life of adventures. And while this journey is an adventure, it is in no way what I had in mind. I want so desperately to travel and see the world. And while so many of my friends are doing just that through various study abroad trips, it is hard to not have that opportunity anymore. I have to tell myself that my day will come, and that one day I will be able to travel everywhere, but it is tough because I know that day won't be soon. I just have to wait patiently.

On another note, I have realized something about myself these past few weeks. I am very good at faking how I'm feeling. I think that people are going to read that, and interpret it as I lie about how I feel, but that is not it. It is more that I have become good at pushing through and putting a smile on my face no matter how I feel on the inside. I don't think this is all bad or all good. I don't want people worrying about me or feeling sorry for me. And by pushing through and trying to be normal, I can almost make myself feel more normal, and less sick. But at the same time, it can be bad. I think a lot of people assume that I am all better, or that cancer is no longer an issue for me. And that is hard because it is still so much of an issue, and still constantly on my mind, even if that is not immediately apparent. I'm harder to read than I used to be. I try to always be honest when people directly ask me how I am feeling. But I don't really like to wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes that is a challenge, and I think that I need to let people in more, and admit more readily when life is tough.

More Good- Through these past few weeks of exhaustion, weariness and soul-searching, my friends have been amazing. Sometimes it feels like my sanity is hanging by a thread. But my friends have been there for me in extraordinary ways, I am so grateful for them. Everything from encouraging texts, to watching movies with me when I feel bad, to long emails/messages of encouragement, to Bible verses posted on my apartment wall, to my friend who is shaving her head to raise money for childhood cancers.  My friends have been wonderful, and have encouraged me when I needed it the most. Everyday I am blown away by the amazing people around me, and grateful God brought them into my life.

So these past weeks have been full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I am praying that I start to feel better soon, and that I am able to get back on track with school and classes. And hopefully the next post I write will have more "good" than "bad".

"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10