I am a compulsive journaler. Writing is an outlet for me, and for years I have kept journals, not to detail the minute details of each day, but rather to express my thoughts and sort through life on a piece of paper. Tonight I pulled out my journal from last year, just to see what I had written. And although I would never normally share my journal with anyone, much less with everyone who chooses to read my blog, I thought that this was an appropriate exception. I wrote this exactly 16 days before I was diagnosed with cancer:
"Sometimes I worry that I am going to miss out on life's great adventure. I feel like one day I will blink and my chance will be gone. People always say, "Live like today is your last day." Am I doing that?What would I do if I truly felt like each day was a precious gift?
I have this deep longing within me to be a part of some great adventure. I never want to look back and have any regrets... I think I am on a road of continually learning what it means to trust God with the big picture of my life. I simply need to have faith, and trust His unknown plans."
And I promise that that is a direct quote. You would think I knew what was coming. That in a mere 16 days I would be faced with that single moment where one part of your life ends and another begins. And in 16 days I would become a cancer patient. Pretty soon I would get a major dose of adventure, but not in the way I ever expected.
Five days later, I wrote a quote from a sermon that David Dwight preached. "Hope is hearing the music of the future. Faith is dancing to it now."
And four days after that, I took notes on a talk at RUF about "What do we do when life gets difficult?"
It is funny to look back and see that God was preparing me for what was coming. It makes me cringe now though, because I know that when I was writing those words, I had no idea what they would later mean.
I think I will have more frequent posts this week. Right now my mind simply can't seem to turn off. It is replaying scenes and conversations over and over from this past year. So as I am thinking and processing everything, I will try to share that on my blog. It has been almost one year with cancer.
"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again." Psalm 71:20
Wow, Perrin! I don't have the gift to put my thoughts into words that you have, but I feel we can all find a great source of strength, comfort, and even holy fear in your journal reflections. There is so much more going on than what we see day to day, and behind everything is a good God who hurts with our hurts, helps our weakness, and shares our joy. You are being used to weave a tale which will touch and strengthen lives for eternity. I observe and pray in awe. Now, as a mother, I must add: It is 3:30! Get yourself to bed!! Love you! dorenda
ReplyDeletePerrin,
ReplyDeleteYou are such an amazing and inspirational young woman!! I echo what Dorenda says. I do not have the gift you have to put my thoughts on paper, but I often forward your blog to friends and family members in struggles of their own. Your strong faith helps to strengthen the faith that I have always had. Thank you!!
Looking forward to seeing what you will have to say about what you have written down and learned this time next year. Oh, the things you will have learned! God willing, of course. Not just, "what a difference a year makes, what a difference a day makes," huh?!
ReplyDeleteLife is a grand teacher. So glad you are journaling, it helps one to see how far they have come, or still needs to come...
A common piece of advice to those who wish to be writers is "Write what you know." Thank you for writing what you know, Perrin--what you know of yourself and your experience and what you know of God and His promises. The writing takes the consciousness of knowing into the realm of being, so that others might encounter the knowledge and be changed by it. It's a bit like God's Word, isn't it? Love and prayers, Val
ReplyDeletePS Have fun in Florida!