The Good and the Bad

The Good- My scans were good! They showed that since Thanksgiving, there has been no new spread of my cancer. What a blessing!

The Not-So-Good - These past five or so weeks have been really hard. Some of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time, to be honest. I have felt so weak and tired, and never feel like I can catch up. Exhaustion has become my constant companion. It is more than simply physical exhaustion. A nap won't make it go away. It is mental and emotional exhaustion too. And everywhere I go, I am tired. My blood counts are low, and blood work just showed that I am now anemic (meaning I am not getting enough iron intake), which are both adding to my exhaustion. The doctors are running tests to see if there is something else going on making me sick in addition to tired, because for weeks now I have felt bad, which is not normal. But at least the scans are good, so I know that my sickness is not a result of spread.

I also had to drop a class last week. Within two weeks of classes, I was very clearly able to recognize that my goal of taking a full course load this term was impossible. I had hoped that I would be able to handle it, but I definitely was not. So now I am down to three classes instead of four, and hoping that that will make a difference. But this is also throwing me off track for graduation. I got behind last spring because I had to drop out in the middle of the term when I was diagnosed. So going into this semester, I was eight credits short to graduate on time. But now that I have dropped another class, I am up to twelve credits short. I am looking into taking summer school all summer to catch up, but that will be a challenge. My goal with being back at school has been to graduate with my class. I want to walk across the stage at graduation with all of my friends around me. I don't know if that is going to be possible, but only time will tell. For now I just have to keep pressing forward towards that goal.

I am also feeling myself getting antsy here. This time last year I pictured everything being so different. I could have never foreseen this coming. And it is so hard for me to cope as I have watched doors being closed. I wanted to be living a life of adventures. And while this journey is an adventure, it is in no way what I had in mind. I want so desperately to travel and see the world. And while so many of my friends are doing just that through various study abroad trips, it is hard to not have that opportunity anymore. I have to tell myself that my day will come, and that one day I will be able to travel everywhere, but it is tough because I know that day won't be soon. I just have to wait patiently.

On another note, I have realized something about myself these past few weeks. I am very good at faking how I'm feeling. I think that people are going to read that, and interpret it as I lie about how I feel, but that is not it. It is more that I have become good at pushing through and putting a smile on my face no matter how I feel on the inside. I don't think this is all bad or all good. I don't want people worrying about me or feeling sorry for me. And by pushing through and trying to be normal, I can almost make myself feel more normal, and less sick. But at the same time, it can be bad. I think a lot of people assume that I am all better, or that cancer is no longer an issue for me. And that is hard because it is still so much of an issue, and still constantly on my mind, even if that is not immediately apparent. I'm harder to read than I used to be. I try to always be honest when people directly ask me how I am feeling. But I don't really like to wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes that is a challenge, and I think that I need to let people in more, and admit more readily when life is tough.

More Good- Through these past few weeks of exhaustion, weariness and soul-searching, my friends have been amazing. Sometimes it feels like my sanity is hanging by a thread. But my friends have been there for me in extraordinary ways, I am so grateful for them. Everything from encouraging texts, to watching movies with me when I feel bad, to long emails/messages of encouragement, to Bible verses posted on my apartment wall, to my friend who is shaving her head to raise money for childhood cancers.  My friends have been wonderful, and have encouraged me when I needed it the most. Everyday I am blown away by the amazing people around me, and grateful God brought them into my life.

So these past weeks have been full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I am praying that I start to feel better soon, and that I am able to get back on track with school and classes. And hopefully the next post I write will have more "good" than "bad".

"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10