There are some sad days...

Sometimes sadness can just take over and swallow you whole. It is not a good feeling, but sometimes it just happens. It happened a lot for me this weekend unfortunately.

I had my infusion of the new medicine on Friday, and thankfully, my mom was here with me for that. I went to the Cancer Center, and they took me back to the Infusion Room. It is a room filled with big, comfortable chairs and people getting chemo infusions. And even though I have been in the infusion room many times, this time it scared me so much. Maybe because this is my first time in the room while going through chemo. Maybe because it was so real this time. I don’t know exactly. But it was scary.

That night I got to go to My Tie, an orientation tradition and dance for the freshmen, which was incredible. I didn’t feel sick, and I felt so free and alive, just to be dressed ridiculously (we wore costumes) and dancing the night away.

(Here I am before going to My Tie! Only a couple hours after my infusion! Thanks to my roommate Brooke for taking this picture!) 

But unfortunately, after that I got very sick, and stayed that way for the rest of the long weekend. The new medicine basically gave me the worst two-day flu I could picture. I was so grateful that my mom was there to be with me and take care of me, but it was hard nonetheless.

Some days, if I let myself think too much, I can get really sad. Especially now that I am on chemo. I have realized that when I have no energy and feel utterly exhausted, I am much more susceptible to frustration and getting overwhelmed. I find myself wishing throughout the day that there was an escape- somewhere I could go where I didn’t have to think about cancer and there was no sadness or pain or terrible side effects. I don’t say any of this to sound depressed or to make anyone upset, but rather to be genuine. Cancer is hard and cancer is scary. Anyone who says otherwise must be either superhuman, or lying.

I went to the doctors again today, and they told me on top of all the side effects I had been experiencing, I also had an ear infection. Sometimes when it rains, it pours. I have an antibiotic, and it will go away soon though.

But on the bright side, today they also told me that I should stop taking the chemo medicine for the next two weeks. (Usually I will take the medicine for four weeks, with a two week break, but I have only taken it for three this time.) So, I get to start my two week break early! I am praying that these next two weeks will be incredible and alive, filled with adventures and joy. I cannot wait!

“Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes with the morning!” Psalm 30:5