The title of this blog comes from song lyrics that I heard many years ago by Switchfoot. And ever since the first time I heard it, these words have never left me. It makes so much sense. Although you might be standing in a shadow, that is direct evidence that the sun is still shining. I think that this is a great metaphor for my life right now. I am walking through some dark times. But I want these times to be evidence of the sun, and the bright glory of the Lord. And so while this blog will be chronicling some sad times in my life, I pray that it is also a testament to God, and a reminder of the good times in the midst of the shadows.

"I have said these things that in Me you may have peace. In this world, you will have troubles. But take heart, I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

Friday, September 24, 2010

Cycle 2

I woke up this morning and was angry. I really don't get angry often, but as soon as I woke up it just hit me. Today was the start of my second cycle of my chemo meds.
And I was mad. Mad that there is such a thing as cancer. Mad that it messes things up. Mad that I have to take medicine that makes me feel so awful. Mad because I didn't ask for this. I didn't really have anywhere to direct my anger, so I was just mad at the cancer.
I cried as I took the medicine. One dose down, twenty-seven to go.
No one asks for cancer. Cancer is blind and cancer is cruel. Since I was diagnosed, I have been hearing of so many more people with cancer. And I feel like a bit of my heart breaks every time I hear of someone new. I don't want anyone to have to face this. Ever. But I keep hearing of people. There are girls my age at Auburn, Clemson and USC who I have heard about, all recently diagnosed with cancer. And people at home in Richmond too, who are not much older than I am. It just makes me so sad.
No one expects to be fighting for their life when they are twenty years old. No one expects doctors to tell you the things that I have heard. Sometimes it just makes me sad.

Sorry for the sad post today. But I want to document this all, and not sugar coat it. So that when I am all better one day, I can look back through this and see the great things that the Lord has done. So I call it like I see it- the good and the bad.
Today is the start of my second cycle of chemo. And today, I am sad.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your steadfast love endures forever. Do not forsake the work of Your hands." -Psalm 138:7-8
Posted by at

5 comments:

  1. JohnDozSeptember 24, 2010 at 6:34 PM

    Dearest Perrin, To say that God is angry at sin's impact on the universe ("mad" the size of sending His one and only Son to be ripped apart from the Trinity, separted from Himself, and crucified in the most horrible way imaginable...) should be a great solace to all of us. And yet is impossible for us to fully grasp.

    But your sharing is, as it always is, a level of trust and transparency and truth that makes me feel like I'm standing in the cleft and watching God's Shakina Glory pass by (Ex 33:22)!!

    Thank you... 10,000-fold... God's anger at sin, and His faithful resolution of it, is how REAL your faith is for me. You go!! And lotsa prayers for "med hell" coming your way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnnhornerSeptember 25, 2010 at 11:17 AM

    Dear Perrin,
    Thank you for sharing your real-world story with the real world! Authenticity is important to God. Sadly, many of us work so hard to maintain the veneers of our messy lives--while longing to be really known and truly loved. Your honesty gives us permission to come clean and be real, where we, too, can experience the grace and embrace of Christ.

    In I Thess 2, Paul writes, "we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you, not only the good news of God, but our own lives as well, because you had become dear to us."

    Perrin, you are dear to so many of us. May the Lord bless you deeply as you share your powerful story. I am praying for you right now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. RedSeptember 25, 2010 at 1:15 PM

    Perrin,
    Thank you for putting your feelings into words. For sharing those with others as well. It's right to be mad at cancer. Cancer kills, steals and destroys. It doesn't care what age you are or if you're rich or poor...

    I'm glad to know that you are aware, that the cancer is your enemy and not God. I believe God is mad as well. I believe He hates cancer too. I believe it makes Him angry when people suffer and that it breaks His heart. I believe He understands your pain and your suffering. And I also believe that it doesn't upset Him for you to get angry at the cancer. When you cry, He cries with you. You are being real. This is what He wants you to be. In doing so, you help yourself and others.

    Praying with and for you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. StephanieSeptember 26, 2010 at 8:00 PM

    Hey Perrin

    I know that I don't know you very well, but I come on here frequently and read how you are doing. It is such an inspiration to me to see how you keep pushing through life, even though you have been dealt cards like these. I don't have too much to say tonight, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and I hope this round of chemo won't affect you like the last one.

    God Bless!
    ~Stephanie Spiroff, fellow HOPE-er

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousSeptember 27, 2010 at 6:57 PM

    For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

    Romans 8:18

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)