"Beautiful Things" by Gungor
Out of chaos life is being found in You. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.
"Garden" by Needtobreathe (the two guys in this video went to Furman!!)
Let the songs I sing bring joy to You. Let the words I say profess my love. Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune. Father let my heart be after You.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
365 Days of Cancer
Today had a lot of potential to be really hard for me. This whole week I have been a bit stressed, not only from the looming midterms, but also from the nagging reminders of what week it was. Everyday would trigger a memory. Wednesday night was the night last year in which I lay on my futon all night, watching the minutes tick by, in so much pain that I was unable to sleep. Yesterday was the day that my mom drove down from Richmond to take care of me. And today was the day of my first ever MRI. And one year ago today was the day that I was told I had cancer. I feel like I have been haunted by the memories this week. I can't get them out of my head. Scenes keep playing over and over in my mind, refusing to leave me alone.
I remember every moment of the appointment when I found out I had cancer. I remember telling a few of my friends that night, and the looks on their faces when they heard the news. I remember leaving Greenville and not knowing when I would ever get to come back. I remember getting wheeled into the hospital in Richmond a few days later and being taken to the Oncology floor for the first time. I remember March 8th, the day that they told me they thought I had kidney cancer and that there was no cure. I remember the doctors appointment when they confirmed it was kidney cancer, and I cried solely because it meant I could not go to France. I remember going in for my nephrectomy March 14, and some moments of the following week in the hospital. I remember a doctor coming in right when I was out of my surgery and telling me that he thought I would need emergency back surgery because my spine was so unstable (although praise the Lord that was never necessary). The next two months were the darkest days of my entire life, with unimaginable weakness, nausea, fatigue and pain. The two weeks of radiation in April. The daily visits to the hospital in Richmond, and the frequent unexpected visits to the ER. I remember getting my port put in my chest. I remember having to go to the Virginia Cancer Institute every other day for infusions to keep me from getting too dehydrated because I was always so nauseous. I remember going up to UVA to talk with the doctor about the treatment Interleukin II, and then months later getting the call that told me I no longer qualified for the treatment. I remember going up to NIH in DC, and being forced to go to 25 doctors in a week, get every type of scan and being terrified by the intense offices and sick patients everywhere. And even more recently, I remember the miserable feeling of being sick at school, having to take tests when you feel like you are about to get sick or making myself go socialize with people even when I feel so exhausted I could fall over.
But I remember the good times too. I remember coming home from my surgery to find my room redecorated by my family and friends. I remember the stacks of cards and notes that would come for me every day in the mail, reminding me of the support that I have even on the hardest of days. I remember Chris and Alex coming into my room to watch mindless TV shows with me, and making me care packages for my days in the hospital. I remember when my friends would come to visit. I remember when I was first able to go outside and sit in the beautiful weather. I remember the first Sunday that I was able to go to Hope Church, and how it was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I remember driving back to Furman, and the overwhelming joy that encompassed my whole being. I remember being on the Homecoming court, and what an honor it was to be able to stand in front of my peers on the field, knowing how much they love and support me.
This year has been very full of bad times, pain and hardships. But there have been wonderful blessings as well. I can honestly say that I think I have experienced a type of love hardly anyone my age has. I have received so many cards and emails from complete strangers, encouraging me and telling me that they pray for me daily. My sorority made "Team Perrin" shirts for me, and when I see people wearing them here at school I am reminded so vividly of the support that I have. My aunt, brother and friends made purple bracelets for my friends to wear, reminding people to pray and reminding me how much people love me. I have decided to wear mine until the day I get well, and I never take it off because it reminds me everyday that I am not alone. People have sent me flowers and made me blankets and every other kind and wonderful gift you can imagine. People have poured out support for me, and loved me when I was too weak to give anything in return. I have heard from people all over the world, in China, Nicaragua, Italy, and the Dominican Republic who are praying for me. Wow God is big! The list of kindnesses from this past year could truly go on and on, and I can never begin to explain how grateful I am for the unconditional love that I've witnessed towards both me and my family.
And in this one year I have learned more big life lessons than I thought possible. Yet I feel I have so many more to still grasp. I have learned what it means to cling to the Lord when literally everything in your life starts falling apart. I have learned the value of family, and seen how amazing and wonderful they truly are. I have a renewed thankfulness for my friends, who have been there for me through thick and thin. I have seen the value of making bad days better, and forcing yourself to look at the positive. My levels of empathy have grown, especially for other cancer patients. But I have also seen that no one is invincible, and that even though college students live as if they have forever, life can quickly change. I am grateful for the sky and the sun and the beauty of spring. Grateful for the days when I feel strong enough to dance or walk to class. Grateful that I can now eat without being sick. I am more grateful for the little things in life, a lesson I never would have learned without the pain of cancer.
Someone asked me a while ago if I would change my cancer. If I were omnipotent, would I take away this past year? And honestly my first thought was no, I wouldn't. Cancer has shown me how strong I really am, and has completely changed me. And although many people don't immediately see that change, I feel it in me. I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago, and I wouldn't want to go back to that other person. Now granted I would change my cancer for tomorrow, and make me better for the future if I were omnipotent. But as for yesterday and today, I would not make it any different.
So although today had potential to be really hard for me, in so many ways it turned out to be a blessing. Today has been a major milestone for me. 365 days of cancer. One year. But today I saw so clearly the love that surrounds me. My friends wore "Team Perrin" shirts around school today. People sent me flowers and cards and emails of encouragement. My friends came up and gave me hugs today as soon as they saw me. My friends and family turned today into a day of celebration, rather than a day of mourning, and I am so grateful for that. Praise the Lord for today, for how far I've come in a year, and for the upcoming year. God is good, even when times seem unbearable. And I am grateful for that.
Sorry for the long post today, and excess of thoughts and memories. But I wanted to document everything, and remember the thoughts that have been filling my mind today. I leave tomorrow for Destin for Spring Break! I am excited to get a week away from school and work, and hopefully to have some relaxing time on the beach! Thanks for all of the love and prayers today. You have taken a hard day and made it a blessing, and I am so grateful for that!
"But when Jesus heard [that Lazarus was sick] he said, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.'" -John 11:4
I remember every moment of the appointment when I found out I had cancer. I remember telling a few of my friends that night, and the looks on their faces when they heard the news. I remember leaving Greenville and not knowing when I would ever get to come back. I remember getting wheeled into the hospital in Richmond a few days later and being taken to the Oncology floor for the first time. I remember March 8th, the day that they told me they thought I had kidney cancer and that there was no cure. I remember the doctors appointment when they confirmed it was kidney cancer, and I cried solely because it meant I could not go to France. I remember going in for my nephrectomy March 14, and some moments of the following week in the hospital. I remember a doctor coming in right when I was out of my surgery and telling me that he thought I would need emergency back surgery because my spine was so unstable (although praise the Lord that was never necessary). The next two months were the darkest days of my entire life, with unimaginable weakness, nausea, fatigue and pain. The two weeks of radiation in April. The daily visits to the hospital in Richmond, and the frequent unexpected visits to the ER. I remember getting my port put in my chest. I remember having to go to the Virginia Cancer Institute every other day for infusions to keep me from getting too dehydrated because I was always so nauseous. I remember going up to UVA to talk with the doctor about the treatment Interleukin II, and then months later getting the call that told me I no longer qualified for the treatment. I remember going up to NIH in DC, and being forced to go to 25 doctors in a week, get every type of scan and being terrified by the intense offices and sick patients everywhere. And even more recently, I remember the miserable feeling of being sick at school, having to take tests when you feel like you are about to get sick or making myself go socialize with people even when I feel so exhausted I could fall over.
But I remember the good times too. I remember coming home from my surgery to find my room redecorated by my family and friends. I remember the stacks of cards and notes that would come for me every day in the mail, reminding me of the support that I have even on the hardest of days. I remember Chris and Alex coming into my room to watch mindless TV shows with me, and making me care packages for my days in the hospital. I remember when my friends would come to visit. I remember when I was first able to go outside and sit in the beautiful weather. I remember the first Sunday that I was able to go to Hope Church, and how it was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. I remember driving back to Furman, and the overwhelming joy that encompassed my whole being. I remember being on the Homecoming court, and what an honor it was to be able to stand in front of my peers on the field, knowing how much they love and support me.
This year has been very full of bad times, pain and hardships. But there have been wonderful blessings as well. I can honestly say that I think I have experienced a type of love hardly anyone my age has. I have received so many cards and emails from complete strangers, encouraging me and telling me that they pray for me daily. My sorority made "Team Perrin" shirts for me, and when I see people wearing them here at school I am reminded so vividly of the support that I have. My aunt, brother and friends made purple bracelets for my friends to wear, reminding people to pray and reminding me how much people love me. I have decided to wear mine until the day I get well, and I never take it off because it reminds me everyday that I am not alone. People have sent me flowers and made me blankets and every other kind and wonderful gift you can imagine. People have poured out support for me, and loved me when I was too weak to give anything in return. I have heard from people all over the world, in China, Nicaragua, Italy, and the Dominican Republic who are praying for me. Wow God is big! The list of kindnesses from this past year could truly go on and on, and I can never begin to explain how grateful I am for the unconditional love that I've witnessed towards both me and my family.
And in this one year I have learned more big life lessons than I thought possible. Yet I feel I have so many more to still grasp. I have learned what it means to cling to the Lord when literally everything in your life starts falling apart. I have learned the value of family, and seen how amazing and wonderful they truly are. I have a renewed thankfulness for my friends, who have been there for me through thick and thin. I have seen the value of making bad days better, and forcing yourself to look at the positive. My levels of empathy have grown, especially for other cancer patients. But I have also seen that no one is invincible, and that even though college students live as if they have forever, life can quickly change. I am grateful for the sky and the sun and the beauty of spring. Grateful for the days when I feel strong enough to dance or walk to class. Grateful that I can now eat without being sick. I am more grateful for the little things in life, a lesson I never would have learned without the pain of cancer.
Someone asked me a while ago if I would change my cancer. If I were omnipotent, would I take away this past year? And honestly my first thought was no, I wouldn't. Cancer has shown me how strong I really am, and has completely changed me. And although many people don't immediately see that change, I feel it in me. I feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago, and I wouldn't want to go back to that other person. Now granted I would change my cancer for tomorrow, and make me better for the future if I were omnipotent. But as for yesterday and today, I would not make it any different.
So although today had potential to be really hard for me, in so many ways it turned out to be a blessing. Today has been a major milestone for me. 365 days of cancer. One year. But today I saw so clearly the love that surrounds me. My friends wore "Team Perrin" shirts around school today. People sent me flowers and cards and emails of encouragement. My friends came up and gave me hugs today as soon as they saw me. My friends and family turned today into a day of celebration, rather than a day of mourning, and I am so grateful for that. Praise the Lord for today, for how far I've come in a year, and for the upcoming year. God is good, even when times seem unbearable. And I am grateful for that.
Sorry for the long post today, and excess of thoughts and memories. But I wanted to document everything, and remember the thoughts that have been filling my mind today. I leave tomorrow for Destin for Spring Break! I am excited to get a week away from school and work, and hopefully to have some relaxing time on the beach! Thanks for all of the love and prayers today. You have taken a hard day and made it a blessing, and I am so grateful for that!
"But when Jesus heard [that Lazarus was sick] he said, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.'" -John 11:4
Monday, February 28, 2011
Be Careful What You Wish For
I am a compulsive journaler. Writing is an outlet for me, and for years I have kept journals, not to detail the minute details of each day, but rather to express my thoughts and sort through life on a piece of paper. Tonight I pulled out my journal from last year, just to see what I had written. And although I would never normally share my journal with anyone, much less with everyone who chooses to read my blog, I thought that this was an appropriate exception. I wrote this exactly 16 days before I was diagnosed with cancer:
"Sometimes I worry that I am going to miss out on life's great adventure. I feel like one day I will blink and my chance will be gone. People always say, "Live like today is your last day." Am I doing that?What would I do if I truly felt like each day was a precious gift?
I have this deep longing within me to be a part of some great adventure. I never want to look back and have any regrets... I think I am on a road of continually learning what it means to trust God with the big picture of my life. I simply need to have faith, and trust His unknown plans."
And I promise that that is a direct quote. You would think I knew what was coming. That in a mere 16 days I would be faced with that single moment where one part of your life ends and another begins. And in 16 days I would become a cancer patient. Pretty soon I would get a major dose of adventure, but not in the way I ever expected.
Five days later, I wrote a quote from a sermon that David Dwight preached. "Hope is hearing the music of the future. Faith is dancing to it now."
And four days after that, I took notes on a talk at RUF about "What do we do when life gets difficult?"
It is funny to look back and see that God was preparing me for what was coming. It makes me cringe now though, because I know that when I was writing those words, I had no idea what they would later mean.
I think I will have more frequent posts this week. Right now my mind simply can't seem to turn off. It is replaying scenes and conversations over and over from this past year. So as I am thinking and processing everything, I will try to share that on my blog. It has been almost one year with cancer.
"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again." Psalm 71:20
"Sometimes I worry that I am going to miss out on life's great adventure. I feel like one day I will blink and my chance will be gone. People always say, "Live like today is your last day." Am I doing that?What would I do if I truly felt like each day was a precious gift?
I have this deep longing within me to be a part of some great adventure. I never want to look back and have any regrets... I think I am on a road of continually learning what it means to trust God with the big picture of my life. I simply need to have faith, and trust His unknown plans."
And I promise that that is a direct quote. You would think I knew what was coming. That in a mere 16 days I would be faced with that single moment where one part of your life ends and another begins. And in 16 days I would become a cancer patient. Pretty soon I would get a major dose of adventure, but not in the way I ever expected.
Five days later, I wrote a quote from a sermon that David Dwight preached. "Hope is hearing the music of the future. Faith is dancing to it now."
And four days after that, I took notes on a talk at RUF about "What do we do when life gets difficult?"
It is funny to look back and see that God was preparing me for what was coming. It makes me cringe now though, because I know that when I was writing those words, I had no idea what they would later mean.
I think I will have more frequent posts this week. Right now my mind simply can't seem to turn off. It is replaying scenes and conversations over and over from this past year. So as I am thinking and processing everything, I will try to share that on my blog. It has been almost one year with cancer.
"You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth You will bring me up again." Psalm 71:20
Thursday, February 24, 2011
This Time Last Year...
I once read that the day you hear the words "you have cancer" is the day that you become a survivor. March 4th I will be a one year kidney cancer survivor.
Last year at this time, I went to the orthopedic surgeon about the extreme pain in my back. My legs were frequently going numb, and my back was excruciating, the worst it had ever been. The doctor told me he was sure it was a herniated disk, but that I needed to get an MRI, just in case. So then after the MRI on March 4, 2010, I heard the dreaded words "you have cancer", and my life immediately flipped upside down.
All through this semester I have found myself thinking, "This time last year I didn't know I had cancer" or "This time last year everything was normal." It is scary to think about how much has happened in this past year. But I guess rather than thinking about how much has gone wrong in one year, I should make myself focus on how far I have come. I am almost a one year cancer survivor.
"And Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.'" Exodus 14:13
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Life Lessons
A few weeks ago Newspring Church had a series on "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People", and although I wasn't able to make it to the actual services, I just finished listening to them online, and it was incredibly powerful. Here are a few points from the sermons that I really liked:
- With Christ in you, you will no longer be identified by tragedy, but you will be identified by triumph. God transforms our tragedy to His triumph.
- God does not punish His children, but instead He prepares them for what is ahead.
- Don't waste your pain. God has a purpose for it.
- The phrase "fear not" is in the Bible 366 times (once for every day of the year plus one!)
- God might not immediately deliver you from tragedy, but He promises to always walk with you through it.
- Are we going to allow circumstances to determine our belief in God? Or are we going to allow our belief in God to reign over our circumstances?
Then the pastor, Perry Noble, had people give their testimonies. The first one given was from a man who was diagnosed with cancer twice, and who was dying. He said, "If God chooses to heal me, then God is God and God is good. If God chooses not to heal me, and I die, then God is still God and God is still good." Powerful words.
These notes encouraged me greatly, and so I wanted to share them. Because they don't just apply to life with cancer. It can apply to whatever someone is dealing with in life. God is making all things new, and He promises to make everything beautiful in its time.
"God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Sad Yet Encouraged
This past week has been really hard. About a week ago, I started feeling better for the first time in six weeks. But right as soon as I began to feel better, other things started messing up. As soon as I began to feel awake during the day, I stopped sleeping well at night. And yesterday I had to spend the whole day in bed sick with a fever and migraine. I'm all better now, but exhausted.
I also received some hard news a few days ago. Because of having to drop out last spring and having to underload this whole year, I am now behind academically. My academic advisor told me that unless I want to completely run myself into the ground, there is no way that I will be able to finish all of my classes in time. The scheduling is all complicated, but my advisor told me that I will have to graduate in spring 2013, instead of spring 2012. It was very hard for me to hear. I've always pictured myself graduating with my class, and walking across that stage with all of my friends. But no matter how much I want that, that door has been closed for me now. And that is really hard.
I am not very good at handling when things don't go according to my plan. I like having a set schedule, and I like having some idea of what is coming next. But if this year has taught me anything, it is that I can't always plan my own future. I can set goals and have dreams, but I need to be willing to adjust when life takes an unexpected turn. It is a tough lesson to learn from experience when you are only twenty-one.
When I was venting to my roommate after finding out this news, she reminded me of a wonderful story. The story of Joseph. Joseph had everything going for him. And then all of a sudden, without warning, life turned on him. He was sold into slavery and thrown in jail. The dreams he had pictured for his life were destroyed, and doors were closed. But in the end, all of that bad stuff happened so that God could fulfill His amazing purpose for Joseph. And all the negative circumstances of his life allowed Joseph to rise to be a picture of triumph. Joseph could have never imagined the plan God had for him. But in the end, it all worked out.
So even though it feels like everything has been falling apart this past year, I have to believe that there is a plan behind it all. And to be honest, sometimes that is really hard for me to believe that when life around me seems so painful and chaotic. But there is a plan. And maybe, like Joseph, I have to go through the hard times to be led to the plan God has for me that I never could have imagined.
"Be on your guard; stand firm in faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." -1 Corinthians 16:13-14
I also received some hard news a few days ago. Because of having to drop out last spring and having to underload this whole year, I am now behind academically. My academic advisor told me that unless I want to completely run myself into the ground, there is no way that I will be able to finish all of my classes in time. The scheduling is all complicated, but my advisor told me that I will have to graduate in spring 2013, instead of spring 2012. It was very hard for me to hear. I've always pictured myself graduating with my class, and walking across that stage with all of my friends. But no matter how much I want that, that door has been closed for me now. And that is really hard.
I am not very good at handling when things don't go according to my plan. I like having a set schedule, and I like having some idea of what is coming next. But if this year has taught me anything, it is that I can't always plan my own future. I can set goals and have dreams, but I need to be willing to adjust when life takes an unexpected turn. It is a tough lesson to learn from experience when you are only twenty-one.
When I was venting to my roommate after finding out this news, she reminded me of a wonderful story. The story of Joseph. Joseph had everything going for him. And then all of a sudden, without warning, life turned on him. He was sold into slavery and thrown in jail. The dreams he had pictured for his life were destroyed, and doors were closed. But in the end, all of that bad stuff happened so that God could fulfill His amazing purpose for Joseph. And all the negative circumstances of his life allowed Joseph to rise to be a picture of triumph. Joseph could have never imagined the plan God had for him. But in the end, it all worked out.
So even though it feels like everything has been falling apart this past year, I have to believe that there is a plan behind it all. And to be honest, sometimes that is really hard for me to believe that when life around me seems so painful and chaotic. But there is a plan. And maybe, like Joseph, I have to go through the hard times to be led to the plan God has for me that I never could have imagined.
"Be on your guard; stand firm in faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." -1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Good and the Bad
The Good- My scans were good! They showed that since Thanksgiving, there has been no new spread of my cancer. What a blessing!
The Not-So-Good - These past five or so weeks have been really hard. Some of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time, to be honest. I have felt so weak and tired, and never feel like I can catch up. Exhaustion has become my constant companion. It is more than simply physical exhaustion. A nap won't make it go away. It is mental and emotional exhaustion too. And everywhere I go, I am tired. My blood counts are low, and blood work just showed that I am now anemic (meaning I am not getting enough iron intake), which are both adding to my exhaustion. The doctors are running tests to see if there is something else going on making me sick in addition to tired, because for weeks now I have felt bad, which is not normal. But at least the scans are good, so I know that my sickness is not a result of spread.
I also had to drop a class last week. Within two weeks of classes, I was very clearly able to recognize that my goal of taking a full course load this term was impossible. I had hoped that I would be able to handle it, but I definitely was not. So now I am down to three classes instead of four, and hoping that that will make a difference. But this is also throwing me off track for graduation. I got behind last spring because I had to drop out in the middle of the term when I was diagnosed. So going into this semester, I was eight credits short to graduate on time. But now that I have dropped another class, I am up to twelve credits short. I am looking into taking summer school all summer to catch up, but that will be a challenge. My goal with being back at school has been to graduate with my class. I want to walk across the stage at graduation with all of my friends around me. I don't know if that is going to be possible, but only time will tell. For now I just have to keep pressing forward towards that goal.
I am also feeling myself getting antsy here. This time last year I pictured everything being so different. I could have never foreseen this coming. And it is so hard for me to cope as I have watched doors being closed. I wanted to be living a life of adventures. And while this journey is an adventure, it is in no way what I had in mind. I want so desperately to travel and see the world. And while so many of my friends are doing just that through various study abroad trips, it is hard to not have that opportunity anymore. I have to tell myself that my day will come, and that one day I will be able to travel everywhere, but it is tough because I know that day won't be soon. I just have to wait patiently.
On another note, I have realized something about myself these past few weeks. I am very good at faking how I'm feeling. I think that people are going to read that, and interpret it as I lie about how I feel, but that is not it. It is more that I have become good at pushing through and putting a smile on my face no matter how I feel on the inside. I don't think this is all bad or all good. I don't want people worrying about me or feeling sorry for me. And by pushing through and trying to be normal, I can almost make myself feel more normal, and less sick. But at the same time, it can be bad. I think a lot of people assume that I am all better, or that cancer is no longer an issue for me. And that is hard because it is still so much of an issue, and still constantly on my mind, even if that is not immediately apparent. I'm harder to read than I used to be. I try to always be honest when people directly ask me how I am feeling. But I don't really like to wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes that is a challenge, and I think that I need to let people in more, and admit more readily when life is tough.
More Good- Through these past few weeks of exhaustion, weariness and soul-searching, my friends have been amazing. Sometimes it feels like my sanity is hanging by a thread. But my friends have been there for me in extraordinary ways, I am so grateful for them. Everything from encouraging texts, to watching movies with me when I feel bad, to long emails/messages of encouragement, to Bible verses posted on my apartment wall, to my friend who is shaving her head to raise money for childhood cancers. My friends have been wonderful, and have encouraged me when I needed it the most. Everyday I am blown away by the amazing people around me, and grateful God brought them into my life.
So these past weeks have been full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I am praying that I start to feel better soon, and that I am able to get back on track with school and classes. And hopefully the next post I write will have more "good" than "bad".
"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10
The Not-So-Good - These past five or so weeks have been really hard. Some of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time, to be honest. I have felt so weak and tired, and never feel like I can catch up. Exhaustion has become my constant companion. It is more than simply physical exhaustion. A nap won't make it go away. It is mental and emotional exhaustion too. And everywhere I go, I am tired. My blood counts are low, and blood work just showed that I am now anemic (meaning I am not getting enough iron intake), which are both adding to my exhaustion. The doctors are running tests to see if there is something else going on making me sick in addition to tired, because for weeks now I have felt bad, which is not normal. But at least the scans are good, so I know that my sickness is not a result of spread.
I also had to drop a class last week. Within two weeks of classes, I was very clearly able to recognize that my goal of taking a full course load this term was impossible. I had hoped that I would be able to handle it, but I definitely was not. So now I am down to three classes instead of four, and hoping that that will make a difference. But this is also throwing me off track for graduation. I got behind last spring because I had to drop out in the middle of the term when I was diagnosed. So going into this semester, I was eight credits short to graduate on time. But now that I have dropped another class, I am up to twelve credits short. I am looking into taking summer school all summer to catch up, but that will be a challenge. My goal with being back at school has been to graduate with my class. I want to walk across the stage at graduation with all of my friends around me. I don't know if that is going to be possible, but only time will tell. For now I just have to keep pressing forward towards that goal.
I am also feeling myself getting antsy here. This time last year I pictured everything being so different. I could have never foreseen this coming. And it is so hard for me to cope as I have watched doors being closed. I wanted to be living a life of adventures. And while this journey is an adventure, it is in no way what I had in mind. I want so desperately to travel and see the world. And while so many of my friends are doing just that through various study abroad trips, it is hard to not have that opportunity anymore. I have to tell myself that my day will come, and that one day I will be able to travel everywhere, but it is tough because I know that day won't be soon. I just have to wait patiently.
On another note, I have realized something about myself these past few weeks. I am very good at faking how I'm feeling. I think that people are going to read that, and interpret it as I lie about how I feel, but that is not it. It is more that I have become good at pushing through and putting a smile on my face no matter how I feel on the inside. I don't think this is all bad or all good. I don't want people worrying about me or feeling sorry for me. And by pushing through and trying to be normal, I can almost make myself feel more normal, and less sick. But at the same time, it can be bad. I think a lot of people assume that I am all better, or that cancer is no longer an issue for me. And that is hard because it is still so much of an issue, and still constantly on my mind, even if that is not immediately apparent. I'm harder to read than I used to be. I try to always be honest when people directly ask me how I am feeling. But I don't really like to wear it on my sleeve. Sometimes that is a challenge, and I think that I need to let people in more, and admit more readily when life is tough.
More Good- Through these past few weeks of exhaustion, weariness and soul-searching, my friends have been amazing. Sometimes it feels like my sanity is hanging by a thread. But my friends have been there for me in extraordinary ways, I am so grateful for them. Everything from encouraging texts, to watching movies with me when I feel bad, to long emails/messages of encouragement, to Bible verses posted on my apartment wall, to my friend who is shaving her head to raise money for childhood cancers. My friends have been wonderful, and have encouraged me when I needed it the most. Everyday I am blown away by the amazing people around me, and grateful God brought them into my life.
So these past weeks have been full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I am praying that I start to feel better soon, and that I am able to get back on track with school and classes. And hopefully the next post I write will have more "good" than "bad".
"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10
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